Near the fall of the Roman Empire, a plumber named Spitius Maximus was commissioned by Romulus Augustus H.R.I.C. to create a device that would quickly remove bilge water from the hulls of the Roman warships when in battle. It's slide-like probe would suck up bilge water which was then emptied into goat skin vessels through a "Spit Valve", (named
after the inventor), then carried to the deck in the trousers of workers and dumped over the side. These workers were called "sidemen" but because the vessels of bilge under their pants made them appear to have massive drooping buttocks, huge cheeks that would sway back and forth with the rocking of the ship, they became known as "Sackbuts". Treated with much disrespect, the Sackbuts became increasingly angry and soon refused to work, tossing all of their slush pumps into the sea.
After the fall of the Roman Empire, medieval treasure hunters recovered 76 of these pumps and, believing them to be musical instruments, started a village band for boys known as the "76 Sackbuts". As music became more
sophisticated, the 27 position design of the Sackbut proved too clumsy to execute the faster passages being written so, over the years, the horn was streamlined into a more agile 7 position horn and renamed the Slide Trombone.
Although the instrument has changed little since then, a more permissive, forgiving and
politically correct society has lowered the bar of musical
expectations. As a result the Trombone is now more commonly known as a "manually operated, wind driven pitch approximator".
