Me (A henchman) explaining to the big-bad why the mission failed.
Big-Bad "What the hell happened!? Why is everyone but you dead!?"
Me "Welp, you sent us to kill that guy, Wolverine you called him and, um, we blew up his car, like, immediately. So that was good but THEN he jumped 40 feet in the air out of the explosion, like and not 'right before it exploded.' Like, a full 60 seconds after it exploded. Right? Like, we hit it with rocket launcher, the car exploded, rolled over, we PULLED OVER (probably a mistake) Got out of OUR car and we were all like 'Oh shit, yeah, we got him!' And then he jumped 40 feet into the air and landed right in front of Ted and that is when swords started coming out of his knuckles."
Big-Bad "Swords!? Why didn't you just shoot him!?"
Me "Yeah, swords, claws. Something. And oh, yeah, I did! Several times actually. As he was carving Ted's organs out and that was good for about .01 seconds."
Big-Bad ".01 seconds? Why?"
Me "Well you know, the bullets pierced his skin and then slammed directly into what I can only imagine is 'a skull fully incased in metal.' And I was like 'Oh shit! That's not very good' and that took about .01 seconds and then AFTER THAT the skin where the bullet hole was GREW BACK as though he had not just been shot in the face several times. And, um, I immediately decided I didn't want to do that anymore so I just sat down. And then Alex ran up to like, you know, punch him or something but like-"
Big-Bad "The claws?"
Big-Bad "What the hell happened!? Why is everyone but you dead!?"
Me "Welp, you sent us to kill that guy, Wolverine you called him and, um, we blew up his car, like, immediately. So that was good but THEN he jumped 40 feet in the air out of the explosion, like and not 'right before it exploded.' Like, a full 60 seconds after it exploded. Right? Like, we hit it with rocket launcher, the car exploded, rolled over, we PULLED OVER (probably a mistake) Got out of OUR car and we were all like 'Oh shit, yeah, we got him!' And then he jumped 40 feet into the air and landed right in front of Ted and that is when swords started coming out of his knuckles."
Big-Bad "Swords!? Why didn't you just shoot him!?"
Me "Yeah, swords, claws. Something. And oh, yeah, I did! Several times actually. As he was carving Ted's organs out and that was good for about .01 seconds."
Big-Bad ".01 seconds? Why?"
Me "Well you know, the bullets pierced his skin and then slammed directly into what I can only imagine is 'a skull fully incased in metal.' And I was like 'Oh shit! That's not very good' and that took about .01 seconds and then AFTER THAT the skin where the bullet hole was GREW BACK as though he had not just been shot in the face several times. And, um, I immediately decided I didn't want to do that anymore so I just sat down. And then Alex ran up to like, you know, punch him or something but like-"
Big-Bad "The claws?"
Me "Yeah yeah, no, the claws. And Kevin? Kevin unloaded the AR-15 into him like 'AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!' but, you know, metal skeleton and then he was like 'AAAAAAHHHH!!' Cus claws... So, yeah, I was done. Um, some stuff happened. I came back here aaaaaand... Yeah."
Big-Bad "So... How did you escape?"
Me "Well, there was no fucking way I was going to outrun him, I mean, you should have seen him sprint over to Kevin. He was running like 30 mph. So, we had a chat. He let me go. But my keys are here. The keys to my car are here so I need to get those as quickly as possible."
Big-Bad "W- Well, where is he now?
*from down the hall* *gunshots* Wolverine "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
Me 😖
Big-Bad "YOU TOLD HIM WHERE WE ARE?"
Me "I told him where YOU are... Yeah... Cus, uh, cus of the claws. But I feel like you set me up to fail there a little bit sending me to kill that guy cus, and I don't know if you know this or not, but I have REGULAR bones. And BULLETS? Super effective. Those kill me dead immediately. And so do claws!"
*Door slams open* Me "Ope. Hey! Remember me? I just gotta squeeze past you here a little bit. My KEYS... Are in the locker room. OK. And, you know, boss, if I was a metal guy I would totally do something here but, you know, meat. And regular bones. So... Yep. OK. Buh-bye. I will just sqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze. Yep. Alright. Ok. Yeah."
Big-Bad "So... How did you escape?"
Me "Well, there was no fucking way I was going to outrun him, I mean, you should have seen him sprint over to Kevin. He was running like 30 mph. So, we had a chat. He let me go. But my keys are here. The keys to my car are here so I need to get those as quickly as possible."
Big-Bad "W- Well, where is he now?
*from down the hall* *gunshots* Wolverine "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
Me 😖
Big-Bad "YOU TOLD HIM WHERE WE ARE?"
Me "I told him where YOU are... Yeah... Cus, uh, cus of the claws. But I feel like you set me up to fail there a little bit sending me to kill that guy cus, and I don't know if you know this or not, but I have REGULAR bones. And BULLETS? Super effective. Those kill me dead immediately. And so do claws!"
*Door slams open* Me "Ope. Hey! Remember me? I just gotta squeeze past you here a little bit. My KEYS... Are in the locker room. OK. And, you know, boss, if I was a metal guy I would totally do something here but, you know, meat. And regular bones. So... Yep. OK. Buh-bye. I will just sqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze. Yep. Alright. Ok. Yeah."
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