Consultant

A self-proclaimed expert that extorts inflated fees from a host company in return for vague and predominently incorrect business advice.
The successful consultant detaches from its host at the exact moment its parasitic qualities are discovered by upper management. Thus, the successful consultant's term of engagement will last from months to years, until a mildly attentive decision-maker realizes that their burning ray of hope is all talk. Note that some middle managers and all other employees of the host will immediately recognize the consultant as a pathogen.
In order to gain access to a viable host, the consultant preys upon upper managements' lack of job expertise and unrealisistic dreams of grandure. By using a string of buzz-words and metaphors that appear as incoherent babble to most humans, the consultant will usually succeed in gaining an assignment to fix a non-existant problem purportedly caused by the host's employees.

"The consultant said that, once he has some free band-width, he will interface with his vast array of important contacts, leverage some syergies, and bring us up to speed with the rest of the industry.....No, really, those were his exact words."

by Booger Snow August 2, 2008

Milestone Consulting

World domination through the power of positive thinking and outlandish work ethic. Generating success through the "work hard, play hard" enviroment while caring and helping others reach a milestone in their career.

Today is my day to start Milestone Consulting.

by John Blevins July 8, 2012

chainsaw consultant

Independent contractors brought in by upper management under the auspices of "streamlining work flow", but in actuality to suggest what positions can be eliminated thus reducing headcount and overhead for purposes of downsizing.

In the movie "Office Space" the characters referred to as "The Bobs" are classic examples of chainsaw consultants. The main character avoids being fired through a combination of unexpected brutal honesty about his lack of passion for his position, and also engendering camaraderie with those sent to determine if his
job is really necessary.

by Cale Dempster December 18, 2008

Consult Professor Hans Jerkov

To wank

When I'm got getting any, I consult Professor Hans Jerkov

by Dollarbill85 September 1, 2010

consulting

The act of telling your client you know how to "grab the low hanging fruit" or that task "is like trying to rearrange the deck furniture on the Titanic." One then charges a ton of money to the client for something that could have easily been done by a trained monkey. This scam continues to the next client once the original realizes they can do the same work for much cheaper.

I was going to work for a large bank, but then I realized I could do easier work and make more money consulting for the banks, by using meaningless phrases executives love to hear.

by spivtron August 6, 2012

consultant

Someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then walks off with it

a consultant is a legitimate, occasionally usefull professional adivser

by 666Mike999 August 17, 2006

Network Consultant

A parasite that contributes nothing to the network and is only looking for ways to stay on the payroll. This is the individual at the burger joint that asks “do you want fries with that?” The network Consultant is constantly looking for useless network tweaks to justify his presence at a customer site. Be especially weary of the Euro-trash no talent hack type; this character dazzles senior management with a ridiculous accent all the while unraveling the solid network that’s in place. Network consultants never look at a network as a whole, but only analyze bits and pieces of it. In this manner they always have work do to since the last project they completed broke some other part of the network.

I’m gonna have to give nickel blow jobs in the street to get my self respect back after taking this network consultant job.

If that network consultant was on fire; I wouldn’t piss on him.

by network dog February 14, 2006