This profession is commonly misconstrued to be related to a worthwhile human existence, one consisting of preventing harm and saving the lives of our fellow human beings. This idea is entirely wrong. The lifeguard can be found sitting, sleeping, laying down, or staring randomly at any pool in the country. Upon close study of this creature, it becomes obvious that while the lifeguard is "scanning" the pool he is actually looking for any sign of a 1000 mile meteor, fireball, thunder, horseman, alien, black hole, and pretty much any sign indicating the end of the world. This can be due to the extreme suicidal nature of every lifeguard. In conclusion, all lifeguards would like everyone to know that anyone entering the pool is subject to immediate hatred and a plethora of death wishes/curses by the lifeguard. Lifeguard Doctrine: person other than lifeguard + pool = suicide
Patron entering pool area: "How are you?"
Lifeguard: "Great, yourself?"
translation- "Great, but do you happen to have a knife, rope, or cyanide pill on you?"
Patron: "fine, just fine"
Lifeguard: "Great, yourself?"
translation- "Great, but do you happen to have a knife, rope, or cyanide pill on you?"
Patron: "fine, just fine"
by sh bloc October 2, 2007
Get the lifeguard mug.Person at a party designated to remain sober and handle any activities the extreme state of intoxication of the other party guests render them unable to perform. Activities such as working the TV and/or DVD player, ordering drunk food, collecting car keys, cleaning up food/discarded clothing/spilled beer/vomit, preventing (or breaking up) fights, and talking to the police/security/neighbors .
A person whose job it is to facilitate a good time while at the same time preventing people from ending up in either jail or the hospital.
A secondary function of the lifeguard is to provide a supplement to facebook memory by providing a coherent record of the events of the party to everyone else the following morning. Thus providing guests with a person to whom they can pose the question "What the fuck did I do last night?"
A person whose job it is to facilitate a good time while at the same time preventing people from ending up in either jail or the hospital.
A secondary function of the lifeguard is to provide a supplement to facebook memory by providing a coherent record of the events of the party to everyone else the following morning. Thus providing guests with a person to whom they can pose the question "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Nick: "Who's lifeguard tonight?"
Jay: "Greg's got it"
Nick: "I'm jonzing for some fuckin' wings"
Jay: "dude, get the lifeguard to order some"
Nick: "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Lifeguard: "You tried to jump off the fucking balcony 'cause you thought you could fly"
Jay: "Greg's got it"
Nick: "I'm jonzing for some fuckin' wings"
Jay: "dude, get the lifeguard to order some"
Nick: "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Lifeguard: "You tried to jump off the fucking balcony 'cause you thought you could fly"
by DamienKain April 8, 2008
Get the lifeguard mug.Related Words
the waste of life who sits in a stand for 8 hrs a day. sometimes with no break. bitching about how the job is so hard when no one ever comes swimming there and all the life guard does is eat and burn things and talk shit on other people over the walkeeeeee talkeeeeeee
by Anonymous March 25, 2003
Get the lifeguard mug.When someone is sleeping, quietly pull your pants down and wipe your ass with the bridge of their nose. This will make the poop stain on their nose resemble the lotion lifeguards usual wear.
When you think of a lifeguard you can picture the white suntan lotion on his nose, now replace the lotion with turd from your buttcrack.
by Jesus Toast February 29, 2008
Get the lifeguard mug.Person at a party designated to remain sober and handle any activities the extreme state of intoxication of the other party guests render them unable to perform. Activities such as working the TV and/or DVD player, ordering drunk food, collecting car keys, cleaning up food/discarded clothing/spilled beer/vomit, preventing (or breaking up) fights, and talking to the police/security/neighbors.
A person whose job it is to facilitate a good time while at the same time preventing people from ending up in either jail or the hospital.
A secondary function of the lifeguard is to provide a supplement to facebook memory by providing a coherent record of the events of the party to everyone else the following morning. Thus providing guests with a person to whom they can pose the question "What the fuck did I do last night?"
A person whose job it is to facilitate a good time while at the same time preventing people from ending up in either jail or the hospital.
A secondary function of the lifeguard is to provide a supplement to facebook memory by providing a coherent record of the events of the party to everyone else the following morning. Thus providing guests with a person to whom they can pose the question "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Nick: "Who's lifeguard tonight?"
Jay: "Greg's got it"
Nick: "I'm jonzing for some fuckin' wings"
Jay: "dude, get the lifeguard to order some"
Nick: "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Lifeguard: "You tried to jump off the fucking balcony 'cause you thought you could fly"
Jay: "Greg's got it"
Nick: "I'm jonzing for some fuckin' wings"
Jay: "dude, get the lifeguard to order some"
Nick: "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Lifeguard: "You tried to jump off the fucking balcony 'cause you thought you could fly"
by DamianKain April 7, 2008
Get the lifeguard mug.An employee who works at an aquatic facility that provides standard care for Adults, Teens, toddlers, infants, etc. They also rescue swimmers that require urgent help. Requirements: Age- 14+ 14: Pool attendant- Respectionest and slide attendent 15+ Lifeguard, In high school, CPR and first aid certified, Passed Lifeguard swim test. here are the steps of training as a lifeguard:
1) Minimum age: 15 years.
2) Swim 300 yards continuously using the breast or front crawl.
3) Tread water for 2 minutes using only the legs.
4) Complete a timed event within 1 minute, 40 seconds. ...
Surface dive to a depth of 7 to 10 feet to retrieve a 10-pound object.
1) Minimum age: 15 years.
2) Swim 300 yards continuously using the breast or front crawl.
3) Tread water for 2 minutes using only the legs.
4) Complete a timed event within 1 minute, 40 seconds. ...
Surface dive to a depth of 7 to 10 feet to retrieve a 10-pound object.
Trainee: Hey, im gonna go train to be a lifeguard!
Person #2: Okay! Have fun!
Trainee: Okay! I will text or call you and tell you how it went!
Person #2: Got it!
Person #2: Okay! Have fun!
Trainee: Okay! I will text or call you and tell you how it went!
Person #2: Got it!
by Commander-39900 January 3, 2023
Get the Lifeguard mug.When a girl is giving you a blow job in a hot tub or pool, you hold her down below the water until you cum in her mouth as she drowns. Then call the lifeguard over to give her mouth to mouth and laugh as he swallows your cum.
Stephen: Did you lifeguard dat hoe
Christian: Yeah, she was chocking up water
Stephen: lol, thats hillarious
Christian: Yeah, she was chocking up water
Stephen: lol, thats hillarious
by skunkel January 11, 2009
Get the lifeguard dat hoe mug.