This substance does not conform to the temporal designs of mortal
man. It is not merely a substance but an idea, a way of life, a god-given mixture of the individual and unique concepts and abstractions of tree bark, wood
chips, manure, compost, and leaves, constituting the
beautiful and complex construction that has provoked the revered notions of such American heroes as Mulchin’ Licker King Jr and Chuck Norris.