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Its like teaching a dinosaur to masturbate 

-This saying is often used when you are committing something impossible. For example a T-rex trying to self pleasure with its tiny arms
"I cant figure out how to use this computer Melinda, its like teaching a dinosaur to masturbate"
"Cleaning your bisclitussy is like teach a dinosaur to masturbate"

masturbate to the beat challenge

A person who puts on a song and has to masturbate to the beat of the song. The song is usually some sort of edm of electronic music.
Guy 1: what should we do
Girl 1: lets do the masturbate to the beat challenge !

Guy 1: sounds great!

masturbate to stay warm 

When someone strokes your ego because you passively prompted them to do so. "Masturbate" relates to the self-love aspect, while "staying warm" relates to the warm feelings received from the compliment.
Sally: I feel so fat! I gained like 3 lbs last month.

Pat: (Thinks: Why does Sally have to always masturbate to stay warm...so annoying...whatever, I'll just play along) You look great, Sally! What are you talking about? You're totally smokin' girl.

Sally: Thank! You always make me feel better.

masturbating to the dictionary 

A phrase used as a comeback to a Grammar Nazi or to someone who says “grammar is sexy” during a conversation. It can be used in any situation to respond to someone who tries to shame you on your grammar.
i.e.
txt msg exchange
Timmy: Yo Jake, you wanna come over to Jason’s place to smoke after school? Meghan and Jill are coming over and I’m sure your have a dope time with us.
Jake: You mean *you’ll have a dope time.
Timmy: Dude, are you masturbating to the dictionary at your house? Don’t be such a Grammar Nazi.

Lucy: Hey Jamie, do you think Alex is doing good today after the party last night? You think he’s interested in hanging out later?
Jamie: You mean, doing WELL after the party…? Damn Lucy, grammar is sexy just an fyi.
Lucy: Wtf Jamie, when did you start masturbating to the dictionary?

masturbating to stay warm 

An interaction where a person strokes another's ego, which was passively prompted by the recipient of the stroke. "Masturbate" relates to the self-loving aspect of the interaction, while "staying warm" relates to the external stimulus from the compliment.
Joe's Facebook status (selfie in mirror with shirt off): I think my gym membership is paying off.

Pat: Yeah, I've noticed that you're looking mighty fine these days.

Joe: Thanks Pat! *feelings of warmth experienced by Joe*

Pat thinks: Joe is always masturbating to stay warm on Facebook.

toasturbate

Masturbation with lots of butter melted from friction.
"Girl, can you please help me clean up? I just toasturbated."

"Well, at least clean-up will taste good..."
toasturbate by CosmicFiend April 4, 2016