chesterpest's definitions

easter mummy

The opposite of the Easter Bunny who steals easter egg presents from their own kids without telling them.

"I'm afraid Aunty Mavis forgot to get you an easter egg this year little billy", said the easter mummy, "but anyway you've still got 3 more to eat and we dont want you getting sick - right?"

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

two shakes of a chimps cock

To be there in a minute. The full version of 'there in two shakes'.

'I'll be there in two shakes of a chimps cock Vera', shouted Mavis before grabbing her coat, rushing to the front door and setting off for a good night at the bingo.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

talking to the captain

felating a woman's clitoris. Term derived from the slang for a womans clitoris 'The man in a boat'.

'Right then Barry' declared sharon 'first things first, I want to see you talking to the captain before you stick that cock up me - its not all about you!!'

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

Daffodick

A typical welshman/woman who bang on about their nationality and how 'welsh and proud' they are, naively oblivious of the biggest irony of all: that they nearly always come last at everything. On the rare occasion that they win something like a rugby match they get several years mileage out of it and often canonise the try scorer giving them fucking ridiculous names like 'Merve the swerve'. Another sad irony is that the most vociforous of these creatures can't even speak fucking welsh.

Have you heard that Dave now spells his name 'Dafydd' and has just posted a picture of a dragon on his facebook. Apparently his Nans, Uncles Father in Law was welsh - what a fucking daffodick!!!!

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

special dispensation

When you are allowed out with the lads for a 'heavy lashing' due to exceptional circumstances which can't be refused (eg Wetting the babies head, Stag Do etc). Also commonly referred to as a '24 hour pass'.

'But love, its Barry's stag do, I can't not go - you've got to give me special dispensation!!', 'hmmmmm, this is the seventh stag do that Barry's had in 3 months' murmured Tracy suspiciously.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

scudmail

A smutty round robin email (usually slideshows of womens genitalia made to look like kebabs or turkeys), which successfully evade the attentions of the office IT police.

Geoffs latest scudmail was a powerpoint slideshow of really drunk tramps who had apparently shit themselves - it went down a storm in with the accounts boys.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

Monkeys toe

When you're so desperate for a dump that you struggle to keep it in before reaching the sanctuary of a toilet. Also known as 'Touching cloth', 'pulling tongues', 'turtles head', 'getting a black eye', 'squeezing and 8 ball' etc...

'Can you hurry up in there mate, trap one has shit on the seat and i've got a monkeys toe out here?'

by chesterpest January 22, 2010