Definitions by by Kenny Spoffo-Grumpbeetle

Nogtard's pants 

Tent-sized light blue Y-fronts worn by Nogtard. First spotted on 22nd August when Nogtard stopped in the street and lifted his polo shirt. The pants were halfway up his chest and of a style not made since 1987. How often he changes them is anyone's guess.

Are we getting a marquee for my birthday party?

Not sure we'll get one big enough for all those guests we've got coming. We'll have to use Nogtard's pants instead.

Nogtard's pants by by Kenny Spoffo-Grumpbeetle August 22, 2009

Born To Scotch 

A version of Bruce Springsteen's song "Born to Run" sung by Pork Scotch, the world's ugliest dickhead. First sung as a drunken karaoke performance and later recorded at Goofy Granny's expense. The record sold precisely 2 copies.

I've made a record therefore I'm young and cool.

But what the hell does the song mean?

It means I was born to Scotch. Scotch means to be cool. I was born to be cool.

OK Dickwad, you need to look up "Scotching" on Urban Dictionary.

Born To Scotch by by Kenny Spoffo-Grumpbeetle August 20, 2009

Big Bad Scotch 

The name assumed by a fat security guard who thinks that sitting in the gatehouse of a pie factory makes him the most important man in the world. He spends most of his working day reading his newspaper and demanding to see the ID of the only people of lower grade than him - the toilet cleaners.

Stop! Who goes there?

None of your fat business. Who the hell are you?

I am the Scotch, the Big Bad Scotch.

Correction. You're a fat ugly nobody with little legs and a gay moustache.

Big Bad Scotch by by Kenny Spoffo-Grumpbeetle August 18, 2009

Pork Scotch walk 

The slowest walking speed possible. Only fat old security guards with short stumpy legs can achieve this incredibly slow rate of movement. Given a headwind and a hangover the Pork Scotch walk can compete with continental drift for lack of swiftness.

Is that fat guy sleeping on his feet?

No he's on his way to work. He's so old and flabby he can't go any faster than a Pork Scotch walk.

Pork Scotch walk by by kenny spoffo-grumpbeetle August 16, 2009

Nogtard's Tongue 

The largest member of the slug family, a slimy purple beast weighing over 4 pounds. This species is believed to have a world population of one, the individual in question residing in the mouth of a fat black moron known as Nogtard. It is force-fed a diet of Sargent's apple pies, Hill's ginger biscuits and Smart Price vanilla ice cream.

You can keep your tarantulas, pythons and grizzlies. The most fearsome, disgusting creature in the world is Nogtard's Tongue.

Nogtard's Tongue by by kenny spoffo-grumpbeetle August 1, 2009

half-car 

The vehicle driven by the Porky Scotcher. It is a white van with a very peculiar arrangement of windows. It is known as a half-car because it has too many windows to be considered a van and not enough to be considered a car.

Monk: That's a weird vehicle. Neither van nor car but somewhere in between.

Dad: Yes Monk, the technical name is 'half-car'. Its a vehicle especially for fat security guards who think they're too important to drive vans.

half-car by by kenny spoffo-grumpbeetle August 1, 2009

Rogue Maltbyite 

Generic name for a Maltby employee who is not a Maltby Hero. This worthless cretin removed Nogtard's Bog and Pork Scotch's Cone from the back of the Maltby Lorry and should be sacked from the glorious company of Maltby.

Where's Nogtard's Bog gone? Thought the Maltby men were all heroes.

That's the work of a Rogue Maltbyite. The Heroes must be informed so they can string the vile bastard up.

Rogue Maltbyite by by kenny spoffo-grumpbeetle August 1, 2009