Virgin Suicides's definitions

dystopian hipster theme park

the subtitle for Detroit, Michigan for the last twenty plus years. Also where professional athletes who's teams get blown out / routed in the early rounds of their respective league playoffs go to drown their sorrows.

Welcome to Detroit, your dystopian hipster theme park getaway ! Just look up every once in awhile to avoid being hit by falling broken concrete or rusted out steel beams.

Commercial Voice Over : Hey Joe Blow, your team just got the shit kicked out of it in the first round of the playoffs. What are you gonna do next ?
Joe Blow : Well I sure as hell ain't going to Disneyland now, am I ? Guess I'll head me over to the dystopian hipster theme park and smoke me some crack and chug cheap-ass wine !

by Virgin Suicides May 9, 2017

Father's Day

a second, peculiar type of Mother's Day for all of the single mothers who also have to be fathers to their children.

Mama said that Mother's Day is a celebration of her natural maternal instincts as a single parent and Father's Day represents the more masculine, paternal qualities she's had to learn since she's had to raise us on her own.

by Virgin Suicides July 8, 2017

flambos

any woman with a pair of large, teflon-like, impregnable tits. Not always pretty to look at or even flattering to the figure, but could easily open a revolving door all by themselves, serve as durable floating devices for a small navy, and might even kick your ass if they were used as boxing gloves.

Yow ! Mother of all fucks, look at the flambos on that chicky across the street! Thrilla in Manilla !!!

by Virgin Suicides May 3, 2017

loser collector

akin to creep magnet; someone for whom, no matter what they try to consciously avoid, always wind up, one way or another, with the same bunch of chumps, dorks, dweebs, idiots, morons, pussys, yutzes, et al as unwanted acquaintances, no matter where they go to school, what job they work, or what city they live in.

Me : hey, wanna see my collection of losers ? I've been an avid loser collector for years, often without even trying, it seems. I even tried to unload them all on Craigslist a few times, but no one seems to be in the market for losers. Go figure.

by Virgin Suicides May 12, 2017

big haired ladies of the 'eighties

all those grand and glorious hairstyles women of that era publicly sported - without shame or embarrassment, evidently - only to find themselves forever running scared (especially from new husbands, new boyfriends or partners) of any or all damning photo evidence of such "unfortunate fashion choices" ever seeing the light of day.

New Girlfriend : Ha-ha ! Your mother showed me your high school graduation photo the other day. Boy, did you sport QUITE the mullet back in the day ! What - making certain your football helmet fit nice and snug ? LOL
Me : Sez you ! Have you forgotten what YOU looked like ? Judging from YOUR grad photo, I thought you were one of the Bangles or maybe Sara Jessica Parker's stunt double from 'Square Pegs'.
New Girlfriend : Eeeeeewwwwwww !!!!!! You actually SAW it ?! OMFG - I thought I had burned every known copy of that horrid pic ! Now you'll probably break up with me knowing I once ever looked like that ! I'm cursed, Cursed, CURSED !!!
Me : Big haired ladies of the 'eighties ! LOL

by Virgin Suicides August 13, 2017

left bank cowboy

the peculiar yet somewhat predictable transformation certain young American celebrities experience upon going Continental (i.e., living or working in Europe). Akin to drugstore cowboy.

American actress Kristen Stewart has now made not one, but two, yes two, French films. Probably on the advice of her agents and handlers she has subsequently done the following :

1) shaved her head (like Sinead O'Connor);

2) dyed it blonde (like Annie Lennox);

3) and entered what appears to be her first serious lesbian/same sex relationship (like any number of American female expats of the last century).

I suspect before long she will also be sporting a Parisian accent, opening a salon, quoting Baudelaire, Cocteau, and Satre' incessantly, and complaining endlessly about all those bourgeoise, materialistic Americans who care only for money and nothing for art. Like Gwyneth Paltrow and so many others before, Kristen Stewart has become a left bank cowboy.

by Virgin Suicides May 5, 2017

the somebodies of yesterday are the nobodies of today

most celebrity athletes, entertainers, personalities, politicians who achieved the bulk of their success the other side of the millennium (i.e., the 20th Century).

Think about it. How many late 20th Century celebrities are still in the public eye today ? Not many, right ? The somebodies of yesterday are the nobodies of today ...

by Virgin Suicides September 27, 2017