Definitions by QuacksO

headphones excuse 

Refers to your wearing a personal music-device that uses a headset of some sort, and then "blaming it on that" whenever someone complains that you appear to be ignoring him, when of course in reality you actually heard what he said just fine because **the headphones weren't even playing at the time**, but you were merely practicing "selective deafness" because you didn't happen to like what he had to say, and so you did not wish to respond to and/or be affected by whatever he was telling you.

The headphones excuse can also be "used in reverse" in instances where you are being compelled to be present during a speech, lecture, tirade, etc., and you cannot bear to listen to said boring/controversial/voluminous b**ls**t for even a few seconds... what you do, therefore, is clip on your headphone-based music-device that's hidden inside an outer plastic cabinet that you have boldly labelled, "personal amplified listening device", so that the speaker and anyone else present will think that you are just wanting to ensure that you'll be clearly hearing every single word that the self-important gabber is saying, when in reality you are using the headphones to DROWN HIM OUT so that you won't either need a straitjacket or commit mass-homicide halfway through said extended monologue. It's a vital accessory if you're being "drugged as a child" because your parents "drug you to church".

headphones excuse by QuacksO September 10, 2018

Handle with care 

Just like "Fragile" or "This side up", this labeling will almost 100% guarantee that your parcel will be tossed, bounced, drop-kicked, and/or stomped upon by disgruntled/delinquent shipping-personnel during its entire journey from you to your intended recipient. Yep, I'm talking to YOU, USPS/UPS/FedEx!!! There --- I said it --- got it off my chest! :P

During the infamous "angry political activists shooting at passing semi-trucks" period back in the 80's, some truckers apparently resorted to painting their trailers with huge "Caution: explosives"-type signs to discourage nearby riflemen who would prefer not to get blown up themselves along with their intended targets. A cartoon in a magazine during that time showed two redneck 18-wheeler-drivers discussing a huge "WHAMMO DYNAMITE" label that the speaker has painted on the side of his van; the driver is saying something like, "Actually, I'm hauling dried prunes, but I feel a lot safer this way, rather than my having 'Handle with care' written on there instead."

Handle with care by QuacksO September 10, 2018

do a giggle-out 

Kissing-cousin to the commonly-known "shout-out" --- where you pause a moment from "normal" broadcasting over the airwaves to express praise/thanks/acknowledgement for someone's exceptional/helpful performance --- this recognition-statement lauds someone's exceptionally-humorous remark that really "tickled your funny-bone", and so you want to let everyone know about it.

Redneck radio-announcer: Okay, we're back with our guest John Smith, head coach of the local Little League baseball team, and just before we go to the phones and take our listeners' questions for John, I'd just like to do a giggle-out to the young goofball gas-station attendant who serviced my car this morning on my way to work --- as you all know, I drive a pink Ford Galaxy, and so he jokingly asked me what galaxy I was from, and inquired if I had come to see Elvis, since he famously drove a pink Cadillac.

do a giggle-out by QuacksO September 10, 2018

Puritan’s Pride 

The infamous Salem, Massachusetts-based supplier of “natural & organic” foods and supplements that sold moldy aflatoxin-laced grain, the consumption of which caused insanity and paranoia in many of the town’s younger females, leading them to erroneously accuse a number of the harmless elderly women in the area of practicing black magic.

“Puritan’s Pride” is a fitting name for the company that helped to create the Salem witch-trials… those highfalutin closed-minded paranoid Puritans had way too much foolish pride for their own --- and even more importantly, that of those unfortunate elderly wretches whom they falsely convicted of witchcraft –-- good!

Puritan’s Pride by QuacksO September 9, 2018

system of checks and balances 

Refers to a totally-legal but still-somewhat-devious practice of writing personal checks for comparatively-minuscule bills --- like maybe just two or three bucks for a bag of fresh vegetables from a roadside farm-stand --- instead of paying them in cash, and then secretly hoping that the checks’ recipients will not want to bother going to the extra effort of cashing said “tiny” checks, and thus your bank-account’s “balance” will be unaffected by your purchases.

Practicing the “system of checks and balances” can have varying degrees of success, depending on various factors, such as how strapped your checks’ recipients are for cash, how accustomed they are to cashing/depositing checks, or how willing/able they are to accept checks, especially for such paltry amounts (here’s where paying with checks at an unattended “drop the money in the slot” or “place the money in the cup/jar” merchandise-stand can be a good idea, since there will be nobody there to balk at your paying with a check). Extra points if you “embellish” the checks with flowery praising messages about how wonderful the sellers’ merchandise/service is, since it may stroke the people’s ego so much that they will prefer to “frame it rather than cash it” (again, especially since the check is for such a small amount, and so its value might likely not mean all that much to the person’s overall budget) when deciding what to do with your checks.

system of checks and balances by QuacksO September 9, 2018

hahdwayuh stoowuh 

If you're a DownEast Mainuh, this is whayuh you go to shop for items to do summuh or wintuh repaiyuhs.

I went to da local hahdwayuh stoowuh to pick up a few cans of sealant for my lobstah boat, but they were tempuhrarily out of it, so they hadda back-awhduh me some.

hahdwayuh stoowuh by QuacksO September 9, 2018

squirrel shout-out 

Where you abruptly snap your head around and irritably bellow, “WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” up into the trees whenever a bushy-tailed nut-gatherer makes a chattering scolding ruckus when you are merely minding your own business and working quietly in your yard. Sometimes this stress-relieving action may actually be performed mostly for the entertainment of others in your vicinity, particularly easily-amused giggly children --- you may indeed be highly irritated by the squirrel's inexplicable/unwarranted noisy tirade, but everyone knows that your own crimson-faced outburst really isn't gonna do much good overall, since squirrels obviously ain't gonna keep quiet just 'cuz you want them to.

Sometimes doing a squirrel shout-out is indeed effective in shutting up dat noisy fur-varmint, at least for a few minutes… guess he’s so non-plussed at my sudden bellowing outburst that he doesn’t know quite what to make of it all. But in any case, I still fail to see what he’s getting so pissed off about in da first place --- I’m not bothering him or even paying him any mind, and I sure as shootin’ ain’t after his precious acorns, so what’s his beef with me, anyhoot???

squirrel shout-out by QuacksO September 9, 2018