Blighpass surgery

An operation performed on the infamous late-18th-century sea captain and Vice-Admiral of the Royal Navy. Can also loosely refer to any surgery in which the distressed/exhausted patient feels like the rejected commander of a mutinied ship afterwards.

I told the doctor that I only had pleurisy and thus I merely needed some pain-killer, but he tried to convince me to have my appendix removed. He obviously just wanted to milk MaineCare for more operations than were truly necessary; I declined his Blighpass surgery.

by QuacksO May 24, 2019

parachute pals

Friends who can be counted on to "catch you as you fall" and/or "ease your descent" --- i.e., they'll always "be there for you" during times of emotional distress, offer helpful ideas/cautions, etc.

Anytime an on-line "friend" whom I have not met yet (and therefore I cannot be sure if that person is reliable or "for real") invites/requests/allows me to go and meet him somewhere, I always peruse the map to see if any of my "parachute pals" happen to live in that same general area, and if so, I call them up first to ask if I may make a "secondary journey" over to visit them for a while if the person whom I was going to meet during my "primary mission" is either a no-show or not sociable/reasonable to me... it helps make the trip not be a total waste of time and travel-expenses, plus I'll have a shoulder to cry on and soothe me in my humiliation and disappointment at my failed attempt to cultivate a new friendship.

by QuacksO July 18, 2018

fart dieseling

Da embarrassing (or hilarious, depending on who you talk to, and/or whether da emotions-feeler is da "actor" or da "observer") interval of "run-on" dat sometimes occurs following da "main event" --- i.e., yer butt-trumpet keeps on "purrin' like a kitten" for an extended period afterwards, rather than just "saying its piece" and then being done wif it.

In da uproarious "National Baked Bean Month" speech, da formally-dignified speaker experiences a major bout of fart dieseling towards da end, totally goofing up said oration but majorly putting his audience in stitches.

by QuacksO June 12, 2024

single-letter difference between God and the IRS

Said letter is "R" --- God tells us to "PRAY with faith and without ceasing", whereas the IRS tells us to "PAY with faith and without ceasing". Otherwise, both "mighty entities" are essentially the same... they act like they've got your best interests at heart, but in reality they just mercilessly "milk you for all you're worth" and then turn their backs on you when you've been drained dry... no further explanation necessary.

Come to think of it, the single-letter difference between God and the IRS isn't the only direct correlation between the two "superpowers" --- because the IRS tells us to PAY so much, it causes poorer folks to PRAY to God a lot more due to their worries over becoming even more destitute from shelling out for their income taxes!

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

required reading

Just another bu**s**t compulsory activity (like in-depth studying of history or science or chemistry) in school dat usually just wastes your time/energy/patience and very seldom has any use in future life or employment.

I imagine that "required reading" has often significantly contributed to childhood dissatisfaction and lack of bonding among siblings, since many a youngster has had to sadly play by himself because Big Bro/Sis had to study books instead of paying attention to said toddler.

by QuacksO July 25, 2019

majestrate

A monarch or other supreme ruler who also hears court cases.

High-'n'-mighty jerks of royalty like King Fink and Prince John were notorious majestrates, as well, and their unfair, self-serving, and heavy-handed decisions caused wide-spread unrest and resentment among their subjects.

by QuacksO May 11, 2022

alphabetical investigations

BINvestigation: Where a person or animal paws through your storage-containers
DINvestigation: Finding out what all da hubbub was about
FINvestigation: What a game warden performs on anglers after a day of casting their poles and/or nets
GINvestigation: Can refer to either (1) a sobriety check, or (2) detective work regarding suspicion/reports of booze-smuggling
KINvestigation: Research to either determine who da deadbeat dad is, or locate relatives in an estate-settlement kerfuffle
PINvestigation: Squinting around to find out who either (1) left da thumbtack on da teacher's chair, or (2) who used someone's debit card without permission
SINvestigation: What a priest performs if da confessions-booth doesn't adequately do da trick
TINvestigation: Gumshoe work to see who used crappy-a** sheet-metal for a construction/repair job
VINvestigation: Checking up on da bar-code-type digits on a car's front deck
WINvestigation: What Al Gore wanted performed during da infamous "hanging chad" debacle wif da Y2K voting-cards
YINvestigation: Researching for da first half of da classic Chinese equation

If you enjoy detective work, immersing yourself in da dozen-or-so types of alphabetical investigations should keep ya occupied for a while.

by QuacksO December 10, 2022