QuacksO's definitions

"ultimate" fingers-crossing

Refers to where you also manually cross your ring-finger over-top of "Big Boy", and then cross "Little Boy" over-top of your ring-finger; the theory is that perhaps this will give you a better chance of not getting your a** blown off than you'd have from crossing just your first two fingers. Extra points if you cross all four fingers of both your hands in this way, and/or if you also scuttle around and similarly-arrange da hand-appendages of any and all bystanders (provided their fingers are slender and limber enough to fairly-comfortably do so, of course) prior to saying, "Well --- here goes nuttin'"... with THAT voluminous number of "overlapped digits", it would conceivably put pressure on Fate to allow your endeavor to succeed, similar to how a prayer-chain supposedly does with God.

My elderly neighbor had given me a ride downtown to fill my water-jogs at the local public faucet, and he was concerned that his car's severely-worn starter wasn't going to "mesh in" correctly when he turned the key. So I jokingly showed him the "ultimate" fingers-crossing when he was ready to try starting his car; he looked at my seemingly-impossibly-"pretzeled" fingers and said a bit sadly, "Zheeesh --- I could NEVER do that with my poor old craggy arthritic fingers!", and then tentatively "twisted da brass" and beamed appreciatively when the car's engine whirled right over! "I guess crossing your fingers like that DID work," my friend chuckled.

by QuacksO November 21, 2018

buystander

Someone who approaches you from a crowd of onlookers and offers to purchase one or more of the items that you're displaying for them. This can be a very awkward experience, of course, especially if you'd never actually had any intention of selling whatever it is the person is interested in, but had merely been showing said possessions to the gathered huddle as a way of promoting a local business/service, getting a little "bragging limelight", etc.

Whenever I set up in the town square to show my musical instruments and tool-collection to the locals, I do indeed always make sure to mention right off that nothing I'm displaying there is for sale --- I'm merely trying to show everyone how well I can play music so they'll hire me to perform live entertainment for them, and how good I am at building and repairing things so that they'll know who to call for help with home-improvement projects, but it never seems to be totally effective... like as not, there's at least one pushy buystander in the ranks who tries to pressure me into parting with some of my equipment!

by QuacksO November 21, 2018

chemical whorefare

Perfume, aftershave, pheromone-colognes., etc, dat "loose" humans use to hopefully "fight a better battle" in their quest for succulent sweetmeat. And yes, sometimes this practice can indeed allow you to "score" more readily, but da problem is dat you may then rely too heavily on da essential oils to maintain a gal's interest, without expending enough time/effort to actually charm her personally, i.e., to demonstrate to her how truly likeable you are on da inside. And so as a result, even though you may indeed initially "win da battle" by enticing a cutie-chick into your bed with da wonderful sensual aromas dat you'd slathered on yourself, you may still stand a good chance of "losing da war" --- after da gal's heady essential-oils high wears off, she may just slump glumly on da edge of your bed for a while to think things over, and then --- still unaware of your good/redeeming qualities because you have simply not yet given her a proper chance to truly get to know you --- just quietly slip out your door again.

In the classic “taking advantage of the priest’s ‘privileged’ knowledge about his congregation” joke, Little Tommy Shaughnessy --- in an effort to improve his currently-bleak prospects of getting laid, but not wishing to resort to chemical whorefare --- made a phony “sin of the flesh” admission at confessional, thereby tricking Father John into unwittingly revealing to Tommy the names of the “loosest” local hussies and thus letting him know which girls he’d have the best chances with.

by QuacksO November 21, 2018

nightstallion

Can refer to two totally-different bed-related things:
(1) A good, happy, peaceful dream
(2) An exceptionally virile and energetic dude who literally wants to "do it till dawn".

I never understood why bad dreams were called nightMARES and good dreams are nightSTALLIONS... in the stock-breeding world, we all know that mares are much easier to saddle-break than stallions, so why give "da ladies" such a bad rap??

by QuacksO November 21, 2018

equine embrace

A.k.a. "horse hug", this immensely-pleasurable (well, if you're into regularly getting "up close 'n' personal" wif half a ton of hard-muscled mammal, at least!) activity involves happily wrapping your arms around the neck of your favorite large four-legged friend and tucking your head contentedly up under his jaw and throat; if he is accustomed to doing this and is in a fairly good mood, your large buddy will often respond in kind, gently tilting his head downwards to softly squeeze you between his chin and chest.

Equine embraces can indeed be extremely satisfying and rewarding; one just needs to remember to always check his clothing for loose hairs and other unwanted "organic adornments" afterwards, to avoid spreading said "residues" to undesirable locations, such as furniture, curtains, bed-clothes, etc.

by QuacksO November 21, 2018

LieDAR

A cutting-edge-technology terrain-surveying system that measures how many pathological liars exists in a given area. Since the target-blips all look the same on the machine's display-screen and therefore cannot be differentiated from one another, however, this system is actually quite ineffective at determining specifically which people to watch out for as being truly dangerous, especially as you travel into areas with higher populations of sport-fishermen, lawyers, politicians, used-car salesman, Bible-thumpers, etc.

If an evenly-distributed few of the vast crowds who were watching the Emperor's procession had employed hand-held LieDAR systems just as soon as The Emperor had started parading down the main street while "wearing his new clothes", these reliable-technology-aided individuals could have seen for sure that everyone else was actually just fibbing about being able to see the foolish Monarch's magnificent panoply, plus, of course, they's also know for certain that their own eyes were not, in fact, playing tricks on them, either. These "vindicated skeptics" could therefore have just loudly reassured everyone else in the surrounding multitudes that their being able to see nothing but a naked fat guy ambling down the main street looking like a total jackass was in reality **totally normal**... in other words, the Emperor really and truly WAS galumphing along the avenue "sans stitches", and so everyone could then have hastily stopped all the pompous foolishness --- and possibly also caught those two scheming shifty-eyed "dream-weavers" ('cuz dreams were, in fact, da only thing dat these two swindlers truly knew how to weave) before they got too far away --- and done so long before the Innocent Little Boy finally "broke the spell" with his "shockingly-impertinent tongue" when he casually blurted out to everyone around him about the Emperor's being in his birthday-suit.

by QuacksO November 21, 2018

spliced fart

A.k.a. "piggybank" or "cumulonimbus" fart. this uniquely-impressive anal-based audio-delight consists of a number of much-smaller farts that have been carefully "layered" or "stockpiled" inside Uranus, so that they create a single but super-humongous "eruption" whenever it is that you do decide to "let loose".

There are a number of reasons that one might create a spliced fart --- maybe you don't really produce all that much gas, and so you wanna really "make it count" on those comparatively-rare occasions when you do. Or perhaps you are a bit concerned about a certain place you are going and/or someone you are having to meet, and so you wanna "bring along a little spare ammo" just in case.

by QuacksO November 21, 2018