Definitions by Nuphagus

Muff buzzard 

Sad individual who spends whole evenings in a pub or club hovering round a woman hoping for a bit of action.

Look at that creep circling around that bird trying to get his end away. What a muff buzzard!

Muff buzzard by Nuphagus December 19, 2019

The urinal countdown

The last ten seconds to make it to the toilet before you wet your pants.

Outta the way you lot! I’ve gotta get to the loo. I’m gonna pee my pants in about 5 seconds! I’m halfway through the urinal countdown!

The urinal countdown by Nuphagus December 19, 2019

Big Mac and small fries 

Three midgets standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a trench coat to look like a tall guy.

This 7ft tall fella pushed in front of me in the queue. I thought,”he’s a giant! I ain’t gonna mess with him!”. Then the coat buttons came undone and three dwarves tumbled out! That Big Mac and small fries ran out quick fast!

Big Mac and small fries by Nuphagus December 19, 2019

Bum the hamster 

To catch the end of your penis in the zip of your trousers.

I’ve started wearing button fly jeans now. Every time I do up a zip I seem to bum the hamster. It kills the end of my todger and hurts like heck trying to get it back out again!

Bum the hamster by Nuphagus December 11, 2019

Throatum 

The result of an incredibly hard kick in the testicles

I called her a lesbian wrestling munter and she booted me so hard in the knackers, I ended up with a throatum! I thought I was gonna cough my nads out!

Throatum by Nuphagus December 11, 2019

Rubik’s pubes

When your pubic hair becomes so tangled and knotted it becomes painful to walk and nearly impossible to solve the puzzle of untangling them.

Hey Bruv, you’re grimacing every time you stand up or take a step. Have you got rubik’s pubes? I usually down a bottle of scotch then get my missus to rub some conditioner into them and softly comb them.

Rubik’s pubes by Nuphagus December 11, 2019

Greynus 

Old person’s bumhole

I took the drinks trolley along the pensioners ward and when I leaned over to give mrs Cauliflower her tea, she pumped a right musty old stinker out her greynus! That’ll teach me for calling her an “old cow”.

Greynus by Nuphagus December 7, 2019