Definitions by Monkey's Dad
Fomosexuality
A state of arousal, desire and dread, brought on by the certainty that everyone else is enjoying more exciting, more frequent and more imaginative sex than you are.
One look from the Air France flight attendant and Albert's fomosexuality zoomed into high gear, such was the look in her eyes, the slightly disordered hair, her swollen lips, and the hushed thickness of her voice - he knew - knew! - that she had enjoyed a wildly sleepless night, had rolled out of bed just in time to make her flight, that the two men and one woman who had shared her bed were all sleeping in a state of satiation as thick and fragrant as the Cappuccino she was extending to his trembling hand as he muttered his barely-coherent 'Merci Giselle, ah, merci'.
Fomosexuality by Monkey's Dad September 15, 2019
Remembership Drive
The futile urge to recall the "toll-free" number - is there another kind anymore? - which the announcers manning the membership drive on Public Radio have repeated several dozen times in the past few seconds and which, as a result, refuses to be recalled.
Let's see... 888... something something... why do I have such low remembership drive for that number, even though it is toll-free?
Remembership Drive by Monkey's Dad September 11, 2019
The Rifle Tower
America's answer to France's Eiffel Tower, our national phallus. Unlike the Eiffel, this monument to cultural pride is fluid in its location, arising in Newtown, El Paso, Parkland, Orlando, Las Vegas and who-knows-where next, making it easy for foreign tourists to get a taste of our country's zest for a liberty that shall not be infringed.
Jacques, he send me une Carte Postale from Etats Unis, photo only of guy in a cap rouge, Making America Great, holding straight up, his erection shape like AR-15, The Rifle Tower. From cold dead fingers we will take it? Non merci. Mon Dieu.
The Rifle Tower by Monkey's Dad September 9, 2019
rantlers
Multi-pronged offensive weapons projecting from the cranium of a male who has something to say, and say again, and then expound upon, at length and in detail, with increasing volume, until his adversaries, and even those who might under gentler circumstances have agreed with him, are driven toward quieter pastures.
He came out of the theater sharpening his rantlers, so aggrieved by the multitude of sins - factual, artistic, moral, narrative, historic, cultural, - committed by the new Tarantino film - the sheer misdirection, when there had been so much to be made from the basic elements of the story, the irredeemable irrelevance of every central character and most of the secondary characters, wasted plots twists galore, to no advantage, gratuitously altered realities, that interminable shot in the second act which had no place in the mise-en-scene...
rantlers by Monkey's Dad September 8, 2019
Ianaj
The murmured protestation of a woman being served an artfully prepared late-morning breakfast, in bed, with a monogrammed sterling spoon, under a velvet blanket, by a man whose one goal in life is her pleasure and comfort, meant to convey the disclaimer: "I am not a Jap".
Ianaj - obviously you have never known a real one - please bring me my glasses... turn the fan slightly toward the window... my phone... and what time is it?
Ianaj by Monkey's Dad September 3, 2019
Sexclamation point !!!
A gender-revealing punctuation mark! Used frequently, often in multiples and almost exclusively by females!!! (Men, in contrast, end a sentence with a single piece of punctuation, usually a period or question mark.)
The female attraction to this piece of punctuation is probably entirely unconscious. The mark - ! - is a clear pictogram of a woman's 'private parts', a vertical orifice above a circular one.
Using it to end almost any string of words is a statement of the sender's sexuality, conveying a subliminal ; "Look what I possess!!!"!!!!!
The female attraction to this piece of punctuation is probably entirely unconscious. The mark - ! - is a clear pictogram of a woman's 'private parts', a vertical orifice above a circular one.
Using it to end almost any string of words is a statement of the sender's sexuality, conveying a subliminal ; "Look what I possess!!!"!!!!!
The detective suspected that the note - "Back soon! I'm shopping for fancy soap and scented candles!" - with its mystifying sexclamation point !!!, could possibly have been written by a woman.
Sexclamation point !!! by Monkey's Dad September 2, 2019
Schmogul
Check out the schmogul at the corner table. Yes, that's really him, and yes, he's eating sushi with a fork.
Schmogul by Monkey's Dad September 2, 2019