Monkey's Dad's definitions

woemanizer

A man who tries to overcome his sorrow and grief with an unending string of women.

Everyone judged him for the number of women who came into and out of his life. It felt to be the only way he could banish his unremitting woe, from losses and pain he could never share. He was a woemanizer, and he alone understood why.

by Monkey's Dad October 3, 2021

Permababy

A creature, human or otherwise, who retains the characteristics of an infant, no matter how long they have lived.

Yes, we know she looks like a puppy, but she's thirteen - a Permababy.

by Monkey's Dad December 23, 2019

Bedside Volcano

A growing yet indecipherable mound, composed of unmatched socks, sweaters, underwear, pillows, books, catalogs, unopened mail, empty bottles, reading glasses, chargers, clean and dirty towels, exercise paraphernalia, countless and nameless other things, many forgotten yet long-sought, the entirety overtaking the room, cascading, poised to erupt.

"Have you seen my phone?"
"Have you checked the bedside volcano?"
"Which one??"
"Good question."

by Monkey's Dad February 25, 2023

postemptive

After the fact. A measure taken in response to something which has already happened. Shutting the barn door after the horse has escaped. The opposite of preemptive.

"Would it seem postemptive if I wrote a letter of resignation?"
"They fired you last week."
"Yeah, well..."

by Monkey's Dad March 11, 2020

I can't do two things at once

A fact known to all men and universally discredited by women.

"The dog needs to go out, right away" she said, as he was balancing on the top of rung the ladder, not only changing the bulb but cradling the fragile glass globe. "And please take the towels out of the dryer, before they start to smell moldy."

"I can't do two things at once" he replied, but she could not hear him, polishing her nails, talking to her mother on the phone and finalizing the Etsy order for Kleenex box holders, reminding him... "I need you to tell me which of these patterns you prefer".

by Monkey's Dad August 30, 2023

retroscopic

Events or moments from a seemingly-remote past, almost beyond the reach of memory.

He tried to explain to his four-year-old, but the images felt retroscopic - the world healthy and sane, no one afraid to leave their homes, Obama in the White House.

by Monkey's Dad March 15, 2020

Faust or Famine

A deal with the Devil, made by many Americans feeling deprived of their 'freedom', to mingle in public in the midst of a pandemic.

She'd been starved for fun, locked up at home. Knowing it was weighing Faust or Famine, she was going to the beach.

by Monkey's Dad May 26, 2020