Mike Read's definitions

mockney

someone who, bizarely, wishes they were a Cockney when they aren't one. Even more annoying than a cockney wanker since the latter can't help it, but a mockney is so by choice.

That Jamie Oliver is a right mockney wanker

by Mike Read July 27, 2003

jam bands

musical groups with a lyrical disposition towards preserves of all kinds.

by mike read August 7, 2003

tossing

either something you do to a salad, or another word for wanking. or wanking into a salad.

jamie oliver said "it's been a good night's tossing once again, guvnah."

by mike read August 7, 2003

Cockney Wanker

Someone from London, usually second hand car salesmen, who read the sun newspaper, call all women " dawlin' " (trans: darling) and general ponce about the place like they are something special.

Cor Blimey Guvnah, I'm a cockney wanker, and no mistake!

by Mike Read July 27, 2003

eastender

either a crap soap opera about cockney wanker or the real life place where true cockey waners live

everyone's talking about it- yeah they are saying thank fuck I don't live in the east end like these tossers.

by mike read August 7, 2003

knees up mother brown

national anthem of cockneyland

aind, knees ap muvva brahn, etc

by mike read August 7, 2003

double entendre

lit. from the French meaning 'double meaning.' a phrase or saying that has another connotation apart from the literal, almost always sexual in nature. A staple of the British 'carry on' series of films of thr 1960s and 70s, and the most excellent 'Bottom' TV show of the early 90s on the BBC

Eddie: Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present here.
Richie: It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.
Eddie: Read it.
Richie: "Madame Swish, three-thirty." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! Hohh, God, at last I'm really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Ohhhggh, I wonder what she's like?
Eddie: She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.
Richie:Really?
Eddie:Yeah, she'll come first.
Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm
great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
Eddie: Um, not exactly, I need a tenner.
Richie: A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
Eddie: Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.
Richie: Well, how many ways are there?
Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second or third, won't you?
Richie: Well how many people are going to be there?
Eddie: Well, a few thousand.
Richie: What?
Eddie: Well it's Kempton.
Richie:Kempton? I can't get down to Kempton by three-thirty!
Eddie: You don't have to mate, it'll be on the telly!
Richie: They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's watching?
Eddie: Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?
Richie: A horse?
Eddie: Yeah.
Richie: Madame Swish is, is, is a horse?
Eddie: Yeah! Well what did you think it was?
Richie: Oh no, nothing, nothing. Just checking.
Eddie:I have given you a red hot tip.
Richie: (looks at his crotch) I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!

by Mike Read April 17, 2004