Definitions by McCririck's unlucky Laundress
near beer
Noun: London police slang for a crummy dive in which unwitting male tourists are promised a good time with a hot babe. They must order a drink from these unlicenced premises but get charged hundreds of pounds for a soft drink. Victims are often frog-marched to cash machines by heavies. Needless to say, the babe doesn't provide any action, just sits there.
Drink your tea, were going to bust a near beer in Brewer Street.
OK, Shall I grab a Transit van and 2 Serbo-Croat translators?
The Kinks classic 'Lola' is set in a near-beer.
I Met her in a club down in old Soho
Where they drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola...
...Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-Lola.
OK, Shall I grab a Transit van and 2 Serbo-Croat translators?
The Kinks classic 'Lola' is set in a near-beer.
I Met her in a club down in old Soho
Where they drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola...
...Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-Lola.
near beer by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005
The costumes were great!
"Dwaaahhling!!! So glad you made it! What did you think of the show?"
"Oh uh...wow! The costumes were great! Where did you hire them?"
Subtext: the acting was wooden; no one knew their lines; I kept looking at my watch. It was a sack of pig shit.
"Oh uh...wow! The costumes were great! Where did you hire them?"
Subtext: the acting was wooden; no one knew their lines; I kept looking at my watch. It was a sack of pig shit.
The costumes were great! by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005
NW Twee
Proper noun: Hampstead. An area of North West London covered by postcode area NW3. Hampstead is populated largely by moneyed liberals, champagne socialists and aged ex-hippies which results in taste and style choices that are annoyingly twee. NW3 + twee = NW Twee.
Pronounced 'enn double you twee'.
Pronounced 'enn double you twee'.
"Tarquin and I are torn between renaming him 'Life' and 'Cactus'. It needs to be something that expresses his masculinity yet - bugger! He's puked his yak cheese and aniseed brûlé all over my pashmina shawl."
"Bloody hell Saskya, you're so NW Twee!"
"Bloody hell Saskya, you're so NW Twee!"
NW Twee by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005
stupidity tax
"God! Is that the time? Got to get to the shop and pay my stupidity tax."
"You'd be better off putting it on the 2nd favourite of the first horse race of every Saturday; buying premium bonds or even sticking the pound coins in a biscuit tin under the bed."
"I know, I know but I've been playing these same numbers for years now and if they came up I'd kick myself."
"I logged on to this website that explained how Lotto is a big swindle controlled by Freemasons who are anti-gambling and the number ball machine is rigged to give certain numbers."
"AAAGH! You bastard! You've made me late now! You wait, I bet my bloody numbers come up."
"You'd be better off putting it on the 2nd favourite of the first horse race of every Saturday; buying premium bonds or even sticking the pound coins in a biscuit tin under the bed."
"I know, I know but I've been playing these same numbers for years now and if they came up I'd kick myself."
"I logged on to this website that explained how Lotto is a big swindle controlled by Freemasons who are anti-gambling and the number ball machine is rigged to give certain numbers."
"AAAGH! You bastard! You've made me late now! You wait, I bet my bloody numbers come up."
stupidity tax by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005
duracell
Nickname or term of abuse for a person with ginger hair. Comes from the 1980s UK TV advert "Duracell, with the copper-coloured top: no ordinary battery looks like it or lasts like it."
Oi! Duracell, you are intrinsically unattractive. How did your ginger, freckled ancestor ever succeed in passing on their genes?
duracell by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005
black man's pinch
Noun: A bubble of blackened blood trapped under the skin, as is caused when one traps a web of skin in a mousetrap, hits it with a hammer or similar. White kids in the 1970s said it.
Adult: "Ouch! I've given myself a black man's pinch in the edge of that drop-leaf dining table."
Child: "That phrase is outdated and pejorative to black people. Please don't use it again."
Adult: "You're right. I'm sorry. What should I say instead."
Child: "Subcutaneous haematoma would be both the medically and politically correct term for such a contusion."
Adult: "Thank you for making me a better human being. By the way, what would be the medically and politically correct term for such a contusion as would be caused by a hefty clip round the ear?"
Child: "You appear to be condoning an act of physical abuse toward a minor. I'm calling Social Services."
Child: "That phrase is outdated and pejorative to black people. Please don't use it again."
Adult: "You're right. I'm sorry. What should I say instead."
Child: "Subcutaneous haematoma would be both the medically and politically correct term for such a contusion."
Adult: "Thank you for making me a better human being. By the way, what would be the medically and politically correct term for such a contusion as would be caused by a hefty clip round the ear?"
Child: "You appear to be condoning an act of physical abuse toward a minor. I'm calling Social Services."
black man's pinch by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005
offie
Noun: Short form of 'off licence'.
A British pub has an 'on' licence (licenced to sell intoxicating liquor for consumption ON the premises). They used to also have a little hatch where you could buy drink to take away and this had an 'off' licence. All such purchases had to be consumed off the premises.
Nowadays Britons buy their take-out booze in a shop which is unconnected to any pub. These shops have to apply for the same 'off licences' from local magistrates and have retained the name.
A British pub has an 'on' licence (licenced to sell intoxicating liquor for consumption ON the premises). They used to also have a little hatch where you could buy drink to take away and this had an 'off' licence. All such purchases had to be consumed off the premises.
Nowadays Britons buy their take-out booze in a shop which is unconnected to any pub. These shops have to apply for the same 'off licences' from local magistrates and have retained the name.
Look at the time! It's wifebeater o'clock. Should I go and drink sociably and responsibly with mature friends in the pub and then return home in a quiet, orderly fashion without vandalising or vomiting; or shall I go down the offie and buy some dangerous-looking lager, go home and get wankered - all sorry and lonesome; vandalise my own home and vomit in every room?
offie by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005