Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions

Sludge Cannon

A human being who, often due to an excessively chilli-heavy diet, has not produced a solid stool in years.

Simon, a notable Sludge Cannon, is barred from every public lavatory in the north of England.

"Mummy, does Uncle Simon wear plastic underwear because he's a sludge cannon?"
"No, dear, it's because he's a massive pervert."

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 12, 2016

Telecoprolism

The statistically anomalous tendency for the telephone to ring while you are having a shit. Extensive studies have shown that the phone of any individual has, at any given time, a 500% higher chance of ringing while its owner is evacuating his/her bowels than during other common everyday tasks such as masturbation, hoovering and chimping. Some schools of thought consider telecoprolism to be a subset of the Sod's Law principle. The others don't really consider such issues to be a worthy use of academic time and resources.

I was just settling down for my morning log and got telecoprolised by the bank again. Bloody telecoprolism, eh?

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 15, 2011

Did a Clemmo.

Neglected to eat before a heavy drinking session, with devastating consequences.

Chantelle was really looking forward to her reunion at the hairdressers college, but was in a hurry and did a Clemmo. The upshot was that she was in bed by 9pm.

Chad thought the evening would be much cheaper if he did a Clemmo. In the event, he just ended up in police custody.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 15, 2014

Shelleying

Next-level skiving. Raising avoidance of the workplace to an art form.

When I woke up today, the heating was nearly half a degree out of whack, so I obviously had to some Shelleying. I told my boss I had hypothermia and was in the spa by 9.30.

A sustained campaign of Shelleying had enabled Simon to write his first novel, a six hundred page meditation on one man’s struggle with devastating haemorrhoids.

Person 1: “Man, I’ve not been in to work on a Friday for 15 years. I tell them I’m working from home, but I’ve totally cracked out the gin by mid-morning.”
Person 2: “Dude, that is some epic Shelleying.”

by Lancaster's Second Finest March 15, 2019

Beercontinence

Humiliatingly soiling yourself as a direct consequence of alcohol-consumption.

After inadvisedly smelling a half-pint of shandy, Simon developed catastrophic beercontinence and uncontrollably voided his bowels in the middle of a busy supermarket.

Geoff’s beercontinence was the stuff of legend, particularly among the staff at the Travelodge who remain in therapy to this day.

Brunhild in German: “Arnfried, did you literally just cack your underpants during our first date?”
Arnfried also in German: “It is not my fault. The strong Munich pilsener has rendered me beercontinent.”

by Lancaster's Second Finest January 20, 2023

Siagra

Weapons-grade Viagra, specifically designed for Simons suffering from crippling impotence.

Having discovered Siagra, Simon was finally able to put away the lollipop stick and elastic band.

Simon: "Oh, it's not happening...I'm sorry love, it must be the drink."
Woman: "Have you considered taking Siagra?"

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 21, 2017

Geoffecation

The act of inadvertently voiding one's bowels in a hilariously inappropriate place, such as friend's wardrobe.

In retrospect, declaring a history of Geoffecation on his CV was probably doing little to improve Simon's employment prospects.

Heindrich got really drunk on Belgian beer, and woke up the next day to find he had Geoffecated in his flatmate's antique trombone.

Although some people believe it to be an urban myth, Simon did indeed Geoffecate his pants in the frozen goods aisle of a local supermarket.

by Lancaster's Second Finest July 30, 2017