Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions

Beercontinence

Humiliatingly soiling yourself as a direct consequence of alcohol-consumption.

After inadvisedly smelling a half-pint of shandy, Simon developed catastrophic beercontinence and uncontrollably voided his bowels in the middle of a busy supermarket.

Geoff’s beercontinence was the stuff of legend, particularly among the staff at the Travelodge who remain in therapy to this day.

Brunhild in German: “Arnfried, did you literally just cack your underpants during our first date?”
Arnfried also in German: “It is not my fault. The strong Munich pilsener has rendered me beercontinent.”

by Lancaster's Second Finest January 20, 2023

Folderlanche

A form of natural disaster restricted to the progressively more scarce environments in which words are put onto actual paper, and papers are put into actual physical folders. A folderlanche occurs when many such folders are simultaneously dislodged from the shelf or table where they had been precariously stacked, and begin a catastrophic slide that overwhelms all in their path.

Note: A folderlanche should not be confused with the similar but significantly more deadly 'binderlanche'.

Simon was chimping with a Russian Sailor when a freshly-flung turd struck a titanic stack of folders containing all of the former's Barry Manilow porn. The ensuing folderlanche left Big Ivan disfigured, and Simon ginger.

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 5, 2015

Catastroboother

Noun: an individual who persistently presents situations as vastly worse than they actually are, to a degree that is almost indistinguishable from satire. Serial catastroboothers are seldom seen in the workplace, because they are just soooooo ill aaaaallll the tiiiime.

Doctor: Can you please rate the pain out of ten?
Catastroboother: Three hundred and seventy two.
Doctor: Seriously, though?
Catastroboother: I am being serious.
Doctor: Please go home.

Helga’s tendency to catastrobooth her workload at the sausage emporium led her to report 170 hours of labour per week. The log book showed she was actually in for a weekly average of 92 minutes.

by Lancaster's Second Finest January 19, 2020

Universal Duffrage

The right of any woman to own as many cats as she bloody wants, no matter how much her long-suffering man bitch might object.

I have to get up at 5am every day to amuse 22 loud moggies, while she stays in bed snoring. Bloody universal Duffrage.

by Lancaster's Second Finest July 17, 2015

Brumgrapes

Haemorrhoids, but in Birmingham.

While Simon’s piles were clearly the size of Birmingham, this did not make them actual Brumgrapes.

Brummie: “Cowin’ ‘ell, me bumgrapes are worse than Aston Villa’s defence.”
Accredited General Practitioner: “Then I fear you may have Brumgrapes.”

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 12, 2025

Mortlocking It

Having no concept of time, or the corollary matter of punctuality, whatsoever.

Everyone else was there at 7pm, but I mortlocked it and rolled up at 9.30.

Simon is known for mortlocking it when distracted by well-built Russian sailors.

The baby mortlocked it, so had to be induced.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 1, 2014

Siagra

Weapons-grade Viagra, specifically designed for Simons suffering from crippling impotence.

Having discovered Siagra, Simon was finally able to put away the lollipop stick and elastic band.

Simon: "Oh, it's not happening...I'm sorry love, it must be the drink."
Woman: "Have you considered taking Siagra?"

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 21, 2017