Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions

Shelleying

Next-level skiving. Raising avoidance of the workplace to an art form.

When I woke up today, the heating was nearly half a degree out of whack, so I obviously had to some Shelleying. I told my boss I had hypothermia and was in the spa by 9.30.

A sustained campaign of Shelleying had enabled Simon to write his first novel, a six hundred page meditation on one man’s struggle with devastating haemorrhoids.

Person 1: “Man, I’ve not been in to work on a Friday for 15 years. I tell them I’m working from home, but I’ve totally cracked out the gin by mid-morning.”
Person 2: “Dude, that is some epic Shelleying.”

by Lancaster's Second Finest March 15, 2019

McDonaldism

The dissonant male-specific mental state of being both (a) distressed at having gone bald, but also (b) delighted that you've gone bald because you were previously ginger. A chronic form of the classically ephemeral cognitive dissonance, McDonaldism affects around 2% of men worldwide, and 73% of men in Scotland.

See that 40 year old guy who's trying to have sexual intercourse with age-inappropriate, attached women? He's only behaving that way because he has McDonaldism.

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 15, 2011

Galdness

The highly undesirable state of being both ginger and bald. Defined as a chronic illness by the World Health Organisation, and a personality disorder by the American Psychiatric Association.

McDonaldism is a common consequence of premature Galdness.

"I'm collecting for people with Galdness. Could you please spare a few coins, or an unconvincing toupee?"

That dude has galdness. He is just a massive galdy.

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 6, 2015

Folderlanche

A form of natural disaster restricted to the progressively more scarce environments in which words are put onto actual paper, and papers are put into actual physical folders. A folderlanche occurs when many such folders are simultaneously dislodged from the shelf or table where they had been precariously stacked, and begin a catastrophic slide that overwhelms all in their path.

Note: A folderlanche should not be confused with the similar but significantly more deadly 'binderlanche'.

Simon was chimping with a Russian Sailor when a freshly-flung turd struck a titanic stack of folders containing all of the former's Barry Manilow porn. The ensuing folderlanche left Big Ivan disfigured, and Simon ginger.

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 5, 2015

Geoffecation

The act of inadvertently voiding one's bowels in a hilariously inappropriate place, such as friend's wardrobe.

In retrospect, declaring a history of Geoffecation on his CV was probably doing little to improve Simon's employment prospects.

Heindrich got really drunk on Belgian beer, and woke up the next day to find he had Geoffecated in his flatmate's antique trombone.

Although some people believe it to be an urban myth, Simon did indeed Geoffecate his pants in the frozen goods aisle of a local supermarket.

by Lancaster's Second Finest July 30, 2017

Sludge Cannon

A human being who, often due to an excessively chilli-heavy diet, has not produced a solid stool in years.

Simon, a notable Sludge Cannon, is barred from every public lavatory in the north of England.

"Mummy, does Uncle Simon wear plastic underwear because he's a sludge cannon?"
"No, dear, it's because he's a massive pervert."

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 12, 2016

Siagra

Weapons-grade Viagra, specifically designed for Simons suffering from crippling impotence.

Having discovered Siagra, Simon was finally able to put away the lollipop stick and elastic band.

Simon: "Oh, it's not happening...I'm sorry love, it must be the drink."
Woman: "Have you considered taking Siagra?"

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 21, 2017