Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions

Geoffecation

The act of inadvertently voiding one's bowels in a hilariously inappropriate place, such as friend's wardrobe.

In retrospect, declaring a history of Geoffecation on his CV was probably doing little to improve Simon's employment prospects.

Heindrich got really drunk on Belgian beer, and woke up the next day to find he had Geoffecated in his flatmate's antique trombone.

Although some people believe it to be an urban myth, Simon did indeed Geoffecate his pants in the frozen goods aisle of a local supermarket.

by Lancaster's Second Finest July 30, 2017

Siagra

Weapons-grade Viagra, specifically designed for Simons suffering from crippling impotence.

Having discovered Siagra, Simon was finally able to put away the lollipop stick and elastic band.

Simon: "Oh, it's not happening...I'm sorry love, it must be the drink."
Woman: "Have you considered taking Siagra?"

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 21, 2017

Sludge Cannon

A human being who, often due to an excessively chilli-heavy diet, has not produced a solid stool in years.

Simon, a notable Sludge Cannon, is barred from every public lavatory in the north of England.

"Mummy, does Uncle Simon wear plastic underwear because he's a sludge cannon?"
"No, dear, it's because he's a massive pervert."

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 12, 2016

Catastroboother

Noun: an individual who persistently presents situations as vastly worse than they actually are, to a degree that is almost indistinguishable from satire. Serial catastroboothers are seldom seen in the workplace, because they are just soooooo ill aaaaallll the tiiiime.

Doctor: Can you please rate the pain out of ten?
Catastroboother: Three hundred and seventy two.
Doctor: Seriously, though?
Catastroboother: I am being serious.
Doctor: Please go home.

Helga’s tendency to catastrobooth her workload at the sausage emporium led her to report 170 hours of labour per week. The log book showed she was actually in for a weekly average of 92 minutes.

by Lancaster's Second Finest January 19, 2020

Did a Clemmo.

Neglected to eat before a heavy drinking session, with devastating consequences.

Chantelle was really looking forward to her reunion at the hairdressers college, but was in a hurry and did a Clemmo. The upshot was that she was in bed by 9pm.

Chad thought the evening would be much cheaper if he did a Clemmo. In the event, he just ended up in police custody.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 15, 2014

Brumgrapes

Haemorrhoids, but in Birmingham.

While Simon’s piles were clearly the size of Birmingham, this did not make them actual Brumgrapes.

Brummie: “Cowin’ ‘ell, me bumgrapes are worse than Aston Villa’s defence.”
Accredited General Practitioner: “Then I fear you may have Brumgrapes.”

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 12, 2025

Mortlocking It

Having no concept of time, or the corollary matter of punctuality, whatsoever.

Everyone else was there at 7pm, but I mortlocked it and rolled up at 9.30.

Simon is known for mortlocking it when distracted by well-built Russian sailors.

The baby mortlocked it, so had to be induced.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 1, 2014