Eliminating the background distractions.
“Denise,” went the text from my boss last Sunday, “when we do the meetup with Amway could you please do a zoom broom on your so-called office -- jettison the vibrators, the pogo stick, the pink silk thingie hanging just on screen. The signed blowup of Bono from ’98 too. We don’t want Chris to think we’re wack. Oh, and could you make sure that snot-nosed Berry doesn’t poke her face in?”
“Shithead,” I replied under my breath, “It’s not Zoom, it’s WebEx. It's not Berry, it's Valley. Plus, I only accept texted managerial counsel of under 10 words.”
To prep for the interview (for the job he didn’t even want, but it would pay for tacos) Panda did a quick zoom broom in the study he “shared” with mama, backlighting the Mac and taking down the hanging hooked rug depicting a bald eagle descending upon a Hudson River ice floe. Darn these Zoom gigs, he thought, feeling pretty sure he’d have to shave his soul patch.
“Shithead,” I replied under my breath, “It’s not Zoom, it’s WebEx. It's not Berry, it's Valley. Plus, I only accept texted managerial counsel of under 10 words.”
To prep for the interview (for the job he didn’t even want, but it would pay for tacos) Panda did a quick zoom broom in the study he “shared” with mama, backlighting the Mac and taking down the hanging hooked rug depicting a bald eagle descending upon a Hudson River ice floe. Darn these Zoom gigs, he thought, feeling pretty sure he’d have to shave his soul patch.
by Hifalutin! February 05, 2022
Get the Zoom broom mug.“Someday,” web consultant/rip off artist Ernesto promises, “FabuousPalmSpringsFollies.com will wind up winning SEO eyeballs, it’s just a matter of clickwait.”
“Sure,” says Polly, at 95 the oldest in the bunch, “and all us golden hoofers will be doing the can can in our graves.”
“You see,” Marigold explains to numb-nut Fred, ”It's definite. Fiverr is bound to bring clients in to Marigold and Fred’s TruthWashing Service.”
“I understand,” Fred mopes, sensing poverty ahead. “Just don’t know if I can stand the clickwait.”
“Sure,” says Polly, at 95 the oldest in the bunch, “and all us golden hoofers will be doing the can can in our graves.”
“You see,” Marigold explains to numb-nut Fred, ”It's definite. Fiverr is bound to bring clients in to Marigold and Fred’s TruthWashing Service.”
“I understand,” Fred mopes, sensing poverty ahead. “Just don’t know if I can stand the clickwait.”
by Hifalutin! February 10, 2022
Get the Clickwait mug.She said she recorded the game for us, but the Suns-Mavs game suffered from sportus interruptus.
The Pack went into overtime but the recording ran out, a coitus interruptus bummer!
The Pack went into overtime but the recording ran out, a coitus interruptus bummer!
by Hifalutin! January 20, 2022
Get the Sportus interruptus mug.Joseph blew off three out of four females he hooked up with. All of them wept, unaware of how chronically ghosty he was. It truly wasn’t any girl’s fault.
“I know I’ll only see you this once,” Mariah grinned to herself as she lubricated Toby. “I’m just as ghosty as you are.”
“I know I’ll only see you this once,” Mariah grinned to herself as she lubricated Toby. “I’m just as ghosty as you are.”
by Hifalutin! February 22, 2022
Get the ghosty mug.“Our rendezscrew at Chute Jean-Larose was dope,” says Anne. “We could barely stand afterward.”
“Wow,” said Lloyd. The waterfall was a famous aphrodisiac, he knew, though he was too shy to perpetrate such a romp himself.
“Lucky we stopped afterward at the Basilica of Sainte-Anne-de-Beaupre,” Anne brags further. “We snitched some thrown-off crutches to use in limping home.”
“It’s a miracle you survived,” Lloyd deadpans punnily. “Live to fuck another day.”
“Wow,” said Lloyd. The waterfall was a famous aphrodisiac, he knew, though he was too shy to perpetrate such a romp himself.
“Lucky we stopped afterward at the Basilica of Sainte-Anne-de-Beaupre,” Anne brags further. “We snitched some thrown-off crutches to use in limping home.”
“It’s a miracle you survived,” Lloyd deadpans punnily. “Live to fuck another day.”
by Hifalutin! February 11, 2022
Get the Rendezscrew mug.Seymour came up behind Enid as she stood in front of the mirror and admired her diminished waistline. “Noomesque,” he said with gusto.
“Let’s go to bed,” she assented.
On the phone to Justine in Paris, Polly asked how measuring out her cassoulet was affecting her weight. “Le poids,” you mean,” snickered Justine. “Still positively Noomesque.”
“Panda, you’re the last person I’d think would do Noom,” says JoJo.
“I know,” says The Good One, grimacing, “but intermittent fasting suits my budget, and I will be Noomesque until pops venmo's mama a quid or two.”
“Let’s go to bed,” she assented.
On the phone to Justine in Paris, Polly asked how measuring out her cassoulet was affecting her weight. “Le poids,” you mean,” snickered Justine. “Still positively Noomesque.”
“Panda, you’re the last person I’d think would do Noom,” says JoJo.
“I know,” says The Good One, grimacing, “but intermittent fasting suits my budget, and I will be Noomesque until pops venmo's mama a quid or two.”
by Hifalutin! February 08, 2022
Get the Noomesque mug.“Screw starvation!” yells Oprah (no, not that Oprah). “Screw Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Paleo, Keto, raw, Mediterranean, Noom! I’m on this planet just one time (I think) and I want a bowl of hot fudge sauce decorated by a little dab of ice cream! To be followed a full bowl of sweet, sweet whipped cream. That’s just for starters. I'm saying no to no thank you. I want a thank you portion!”
“MicroAlice,” cooed MacroAlice, bending over the toddler’s high chair at Gordon Ramsay Hell’s Kitchen in Las Vegas, and wielding a small silver spoon. "Would babykins at least take a no thank you portion of strained peas?”
“Mother,” said MicroAlice – and these were her first intelligible words – “I would prefer a trencher of whatever you and my esteemed father are consuming. Osso buco with smashed cheesy garlic potatoes and roasted lemon zest out-of-season asparagus would be just fine, a thank you portion! Don't forget the molten chocolate lava cake.”
“MicroAlice,” cooed MacroAlice, bending over the toddler’s high chair at Gordon Ramsay Hell’s Kitchen in Las Vegas, and wielding a small silver spoon. "Would babykins at least take a no thank you portion of strained peas?”
“Mother,” said MicroAlice – and these were her first intelligible words – “I would prefer a trencher of whatever you and my esteemed father are consuming. Osso buco with smashed cheesy garlic potatoes and roasted lemon zest out-of-season asparagus would be just fine, a thank you portion! Don't forget the molten chocolate lava cake.”
by Hifalutin! February 10, 2022
Get the thank you portion mug.