Definitions by Hifalutin!
Rendezscrew
“Our rendezscrew at Chute Jean-Larose was dope,” says Anne. “We could barely stand afterward.”
“Wow,” said Lloyd. The waterfall was a famous aphrodisiac, he knew, though he was too shy to perpetrate such a romp himself.
“Lucky we stopped afterward at the Basilica of Sainte-Anne-de-Beaupre,” Anne brags further. “We snitched some thrown-off crutches to use in limping home.”
“It’s a miracle you survived,” Lloyd deadpans punnily. “Live to fuck another day.”
“Wow,” said Lloyd. The waterfall was a famous aphrodisiac, he knew, though he was too shy to perpetrate such a romp himself.
“Lucky we stopped afterward at the Basilica of Sainte-Anne-de-Beaupre,” Anne brags further. “We snitched some thrown-off crutches to use in limping home.”
“It’s a miracle you survived,” Lloyd deadpans punnily. “Live to fuck another day.”
Rendezscrew by Hifalutin! February 11, 2022
thank you portion
“Screw starvation!” yells Oprah (no, not that Oprah). “Screw Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Paleo, Keto, raw, Mediterranean, Noom! I’m on this planet just one time (I think) and I want a bowl of hot fudge sauce decorated by a little dab of ice cream! To be followed a full bowl of sweet, sweet whipped cream. That’s just for starters. I'm saying no to no thank you. I want a thank you portion!”
“MicroAlice,” cooed MacroAlice, bending over the toddler’s high chair at Gordon Ramsay Hell’s Kitchen in Las Vegas, and wielding a small silver spoon. "Would babykins at least take a no thank you portion of strained peas?”
“Mother,” said MicroAlice – and these were her first intelligible words – “I would prefer a trencher of whatever you and my esteemed father are consuming. Osso buco with smashed cheesy garlic potatoes and roasted lemon zest out-of-season asparagus would be just fine, a thank you portion! Don't forget the molten chocolate lava cake.”
“MicroAlice,” cooed MacroAlice, bending over the toddler’s high chair at Gordon Ramsay Hell’s Kitchen in Las Vegas, and wielding a small silver spoon. "Would babykins at least take a no thank you portion of strained peas?”
“Mother,” said MicroAlice – and these were her first intelligible words – “I would prefer a trencher of whatever you and my esteemed father are consuming. Osso buco with smashed cheesy garlic potatoes and roasted lemon zest out-of-season asparagus would be just fine, a thank you portion! Don't forget the molten chocolate lava cake.”
thank you portion by Hifalutin! February 10, 2022
a boiled bullfrog
“Love you Want you Need you,” snivels Patrick in his 14th text message of the day.
“It’s this very bleakiness that turns me off,” sniffs Tinsley. “It’s become an endless drag, a plague – he’s a boiled bullfrog and he’s the last to grasp it.”
“A boiled bullfrog!” says heartthrob Benjamin when notified that Arabella refused to accept his bouquet of Equadorian red roses. "First, the Hanky Panky thongs, which I could return, and now this. I never thought I’d see the day when I would play that croaking fool, but Arabella has had me slaving at her feet for months and I will never be free.”
“It’s this very bleakiness that turns me off,” sniffs Tinsley. “It’s become an endless drag, a plague – he’s a boiled bullfrog and he’s the last to grasp it.”
“A boiled bullfrog!” says heartthrob Benjamin when notified that Arabella refused to accept his bouquet of Equadorian red roses. "First, the Hanky Panky thongs, which I could return, and now this. I never thought I’d see the day when I would play that croaking fool, but Arabella has had me slaving at her feet for months and I will never be free.”
a boiled bullfrog by Hifalutin! February 10, 2022
Clickwait
“Someday,” web consultant/rip off artist Ernesto promises, “FabuousPalmSpringsFollies.com will wind up winning SEO eyeballs, it’s just a matter of clickwait.”
“Sure,” says Polly, at 95 the oldest in the bunch, “and all us golden hoofers will be doing the can can in our graves.”
“You see,” Marigold explains to numb-nut Fred, ”It's definite. Fiverr is bound to bring clients in to Marigold and Fred’s TruthWashing Service.”
“I understand,” Fred mopes, sensing poverty ahead. “Just don’t know if I can stand the clickwait.”
“Sure,” says Polly, at 95 the oldest in the bunch, “and all us golden hoofers will be doing the can can in our graves.”
“You see,” Marigold explains to numb-nut Fred, ”It's definite. Fiverr is bound to bring clients in to Marigold and Fred’s TruthWashing Service.”
“I understand,” Fred mopes, sensing poverty ahead. “Just don’t know if I can stand the clickwait.”
Clickwait by Hifalutin! February 10, 2022
Pillows
Detta swung her foomfy pillows over the side and got up to face another day. Robert Crumb watched approvingly, setting the needle down on his morning Elmore James selection (original, not remastered) before padding back to bed. “The Sky Is Crying” was all he had now, that and Detta’s thighs.
“Rad barrels, bro,” says Caleb, shaking droplets from his hair and holding aloft his longboard at Maverick's.
“Later,” says cousin Om, "Can’t hear you.” Eyes glomming onto the wenches ranged across the sand.
“You always were a thigh bloke,” says Caleb. “When will you wake up to good old fashioned T and A?”
“Them’s my father’s trip,” says Om. “I prefer the pillows.”
“Rad barrels, bro,” says Caleb, shaking droplets from his hair and holding aloft his longboard at Maverick's.
“Later,” says cousin Om, "Can’t hear you.” Eyes glomming onto the wenches ranged across the sand.
“You always were a thigh bloke,” says Caleb. “When will you wake up to good old fashioned T and A?”
“Them’s my father’s trip,” says Om. “I prefer the pillows.”
Pillows by Hifalutin! February 10, 2022
Hunkerdown
Place of quarantine.
Mephistopholes remained in his hunkerdown for the rest of the pandemic, emerging only for gingerale, The Wall Street Journal and smoke.
Refusing to go to ground in a hunkerdown, brave Bettina kept her janitorial job at Lincoln Center--which was much easier now that all performances were remote. "My, my," she said later in an oral history of The Covid Time. "Fat cats didn't know if they were coming or going--if I paid 250 a ticket, I'd sure show up for the symphony."
Refusing to go to ground in a hunkerdown, brave Bettina kept her janitorial job at Lincoln Center--which was much easier now that all performances were remote. "My, my," she said later in an oral history of The Covid Time. "Fat cats didn't know if they were coming or going--if I paid 250 a ticket, I'd sure show up for the symphony."
Hunkerdown by Hifalutin! February 9, 2022
Ask-less
"It was minuscule, the amount we wanted for doing Hamburger Harry's on-line promo," p.r. flack Mindee told her livid boss, "but the chain's point-guy said that they were simply ask-less for now."
"I'll crunch the numbers for you," Felix said in the two minutes he was given with the football giant. "You Venmo us 40 million and we will stamp your name and number on Apple pencils for distribution to every football news jock in the country."
"Numbskull," cautioned the legend smoothly, wondering which of his gatekeepers had let Felix through. "It's not that I'm ask-less, but go elsewhere to peddle your shlock. I'm Peyton Manning."
"I'll crunch the numbers for you," Felix said in the two minutes he was given with the football giant. "You Venmo us 40 million and we will stamp your name and number on Apple pencils for distribution to every football news jock in the country."
"Numbskull," cautioned the legend smoothly, wondering which of his gatekeepers had let Felix through. "It's not that I'm ask-less, but go elsewhere to peddle your shlock. I'm Peyton Manning."
Ask-less by Hifalutin! February 9, 2022