Grant Rampus's definitions

Second Wife

Chronologically, the marital partner between first and third wives. Not to be confused with the hot chick at the office your current wife accuses you of wanting to bang (aka office wife). Historically, the second wife is the rebound relationship after dissolution of the first marriage and often your first wife’s best friend. Known in your friend circle as the chick who is blessed with heavenly fucking skills but also a nanny for your shared custody of your kids. General life shelf of the second wife is 5-7 years though this time frame can be extended if she comes equipped with a trust fund or unplanned inheritance.

After his divorce from his first wife, Tim was in need of someone to cart his kids around when he had them every other weekend, clean his apartment, and have sex when the mood hit. Tim was in need of a second wife.

by Grant Rampus January 19, 2019

Stoplight rage

The indescribable frustration felt waiting an eternity for the stop light to turn green at an intersection. Further exacerbated by thinking your light is changing and you start to go, only to be still red and the other lane starts turning. And you feel like an asshole sitting partially out in the intersection with a 40% chance of being T-boned.

Stoplight rage is a leading cause of high blood pressure in middle aged guys in mustangs.

by Grant Rampus August 8, 2016

Cigarette distance

The unit of measurement that smokers use between destinations to determine if they should light up a cigarette, with the reasonable certainty it will be smoked by the time they arrive. White trash only use this measurement when giving directions to other white trash.

Jimmy to his common law wife: How far is the Walmart from the bar?

Common law wife to Jimmy: the cigarette distance is about 3 cigarettes.

by Grant Rampus February 15, 2019

BD guy

In corporate America the guy who wines and dines clients, occasionally resulting in new business. Most often named Chad or Ken, these guys are perpetually 32-years-old and store golf clubs in their trunks so they can sell their BS on a golf course. Unofficial concierges since they know every bar and restaurant in town.

The BD guy sells the dream, while the operations guy lives the nightmare.

by Grant Rampus July 9, 2016

Child support payment

The monthly reminder of the poor choice you made to procreate with the delusional bitch who claims poverty, while simultaneously driving a BMW. A monthly financial obligation that rarely makes its way to actuallysupporting your children, the child support payment is synonymous with the 7-year car loan: a necessary evil you count down every month until it's no longer. Or you drop dead from the realization you'll be making these payments for years. Whichever comes first.

Loan officer: Sorry, but your child support payment has turned your debt-to-income ratio upside down and we cannot offer you a mortgage. Or a new car. Or anything that requires repayment.

by Grant Rampus July 6, 2016

Nice blinker, asshole

A common Boston saying when driving, since no one in the city uses a blinker. This rude, yet common, driving behavior transcends all ages and gender.

"Nice blinker, asshole!" said the Bostonian as the yellow Subaru cut him off.

by Grant Rampus August 2, 2016

real estate agent

In hot real estate markets a housewife or soccer mom that subsidizes the household income by listing family and friend's houses for sale. Usually not very knowledgable about anything related to real estate, a real estate agent is often considered a career choice while raising children.

Hey hon, is your cousin Margie still a real estate agent or should we hire someone to sell the house? I can't remember if her kids are in school now.

by Grant Rampus July 4, 2016