Grant Rampus's definitions

Confubersion

The perplexed look of Uber customers on sidewalks staring at your car at a red light, trying to decide if you're their Uber driver or if it's a different blue Honda Accord they're supposed to get into.

The tourist couple approached the tan sedan at the red light and were reaching for the door handle of what they thought was their Uber driver's car. Hesitating to open the door, they were clearly struck with confubersion.

by Grant Rampus November 9, 2016

Donation wall of shame

Adorning the wall of a hospital main lobby, the donation wall of shame outlines for patients and visitors alike how much individuals and corporations have donated to the already tax-free hospital. Shamefully categorizes the donors into patronizing names such as “gold donor” and “friend.”

The donation wall of shame at St. Agnes Memorial Hospital always greeted visitors with a reminder of how strategic Home Depot was with their tax write-off, but also how cheap the other businesses were in town.

by Grant Rampus September 22, 2019

Holiday tip

The dreaded tip expectation that comes during the Christmas holiday season and is expected by every service provider, from the mailman to the hair stylist. Confusion abounds on who is actually worthy of this extra tip, how much, and when the cut off date is. More specifically, there is a magical day in December (before Christmas) when there is an understanding that it’s the usual tip and one hasn’t crossed the threshold of holiday tipping. Generally thought to be December 15th.

Jimmy raced to the barber to get his haircut on December 15th, knowing that the holiday tip expectation was upon him.

by Grant Rampus December 10, 2019

Divorce diet

The unintended weight loss that occurs from going through a divorce. Possibly nature's way of removing 15 years of being a sloth to get you ready for dating again. Don't throw the old clothes out yet; all lost weight comes back once settled down after the rebound relationship.

Holy shit, Monica is looking hot! She must be hitting the gym after Todd left her.

Nah, she's on the divorce diet. Enjoy the view before she gets remarried.

by Grant Rampus July 28, 2016

8 9 10 Rule

Standard calling etiquette needed for morons who would otherwise call people at any hour of the day. Monday - Friday you don’t call someone before 8am, Saturday before 9am, or Sunday before 10am.

Bob was awakened by his cell phone ringing at 6:43am. It was his drunk buddy Dale returning Bob’s call from yesterday. Clearly Dale needed to enroll at phone etiquette school to understand the 8 9 10 rule.

by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023

Real estate developer

The chief strategist of a building project and general rapist of the land needed to "improve" the community. Cunningly masters the art of deception as he solicits investors and prepares bogus tax returns for financing the project.

An expert at filing for bankruptcy at the end of every business cycle, still manages to live in a huge house, while those residents he displaced still search for affordable housing.

The real estate developer paid homage to the historical neighborhood he razed by cladding his own 15,000 square foot mansion in brick.

by Grant Rampus July 7, 2016

Cigarette distance

The unit of measurement that smokers use between destinations to determine if they should light up a cigarette, with the reasonable certainty it will be smoked by the time they arrive. White trash only use this measurement when giving directions to other white trash.

Jimmy to his common law wife: How far is the Walmart from the bar?

Common law wife to Jimmy: the cigarette distance is about 3 cigarettes.

by Grant Rampus February 15, 2019