Definitions by Dan I am

Charmin Soaker

A drunken act wherein you purposely piss on the toilet paper in the bathroom at Jimmy John's. This act is usually performed just after you've eaten the best sandwich of your life, and just before you run out of the restaurant giggling like an ass.

I was so ripped last night! The last thing I remember was giving a Charmin Soaker at Jimmy John's!

Charmin Soaker by Dan I am February 6, 2010

Tunnel of Love

A variation of the Dutch oven. It is the act of letting a silent fart when in bed with your wife or girlfriend, then slowly lifting your leg beneath the sheets (forming the "tunnel"), and then let your leg down, allowing the weight of the covers to gently waft the stench of your fart into the face of your significant other.

My wife is always complaining that I'm not romantic enough, so last night I gave her a Tunnel of Love.

Tunnel of Love by Dan I am February 6, 2010

POLaR 

An acronym for "pussy of last resort"; pronounced "poh-ler." Used to describe a woman whom you would otherwise avoid, but because of extreme horniness (and/or drunkenness) you end up calling, texting, or otherwise pursuing. Analogous to the naval adage, "Any port in a storm."

I was so desperate last night that I had to go POLaR!

POLaR by Dan I am February 6, 2010

Drunken turtle 

A sexual act wherein a drunk woman is bent over a bed or similar piece of furniture and a green laundry basket or storage bin is placed over her torso and used to hold her down while you anally please her.

WARNING: If this technique is used for oral sex, it can quickly turn into the dangerous "snapping turtle"; use extreme caution if attempting this variant.

My gf was so belligerent last night that I had to give her a drunken turtle.

Drunken turtle by Dan I am February 5, 2010

Captain Morgan Wipe 

The preferred technique for wiping one's ass. One must be nude or pantless for proper execution. After completion of the deuce, you arise, inspect your work, form a satisfied grin on your face, place a bare foot on the still warm seat (striking the Captain Morgan pose) for easy cleaning access, and commence wiping.

My gf caught me in the middle of a Captain Morgan wipe yesterday. I really need to start closing the bathroom door.

Captain Morgan Wipe by Dan I am February 5, 2010

Potato Masher

A fun variation of the standard hand job. The man lies naked on a kitchen counter, and the woman proceeds to jack him off.

We were bored last night, so we moved into the kitchen where my gf gave me a potato masher.

Potato Masher by Dan I am February 5, 2010

LHOOQ 

A classy variation of the dirty sanchez that involves a goatee in addition to the mustache. It is an homage to the work of the artist Marcel Duchamp. Any woman with an appreciation of modern art will be honored to receive an LHOOQ.

She was an art history major, so I decided to give her an LHOOQ instead of a dirty sanchez.

LHOOQ by Dan I am February 5, 2010