In-depth
definition, PART ONE:
CHARVA - Noun, usually the
name given to the swine-hordes of unwanted bastard children who make up approximately one quarter of the native Newcastle population. The word is constructed through the corruption of the term CHARmless VAgrant. Their numbers are maintained by the inbreeding of charvae at approx 14 years old, which results in accidental pregnancy and produces the next generation of unloved barking cabbages. Because of the rapidly shrinking gene-pool that creates charvae, vital DNA-codes are being
lost and quality is being dumped in favour of quantity. The prospects of being taught to use their brains, of being educated, of making a contribution to
history, of earning money, of learning at least one skill, of manipulating their environment, of producing
art or of ever being possessed of self-esteem are woefully low and this means that we all feel a strong pathos for charva under-fives. The charva learning curve is actually unique in the whole world, peaking as it does at 6 years old. This is mirrored in their physical development, which hits a ceiling of about 5
feet 5 inches for males and 4
feet 9 inches for charvettes, occasionally delivering us a towering giant of 5 foot 10. If they reach
14, then the whole cycle will repeat itself in an ever-growing downward spiral. Because of this accelerated procreation rate, charva
girls are actually beginning to be BORN
pregnant.