A two-wheeled traffic hazard wrapped in $400 worth of neon spandex who truly believes public roads are their personal Tour de France training ground. Usually spotted blocking the entire lane, preaching about “sharing the road” while sharing absolutely none of it.
They’ll ride three-wide through traffic, run red lights like they’re optional, and still look you dead in the eyes like you’re the problem. Owns a $6,000 carbon bike named something pretentious like AeroSoul X-9000, drinks beet juice “for performance,” and logs every ride on Strava like they’re saving humanity.
And heaven forbid you pass one. They’ll lose their Lycra-covered minds. Just ask Gary Peacock — the legendary Park City cyclist who called the cops on a kid named Pierce for daring to drive by him. This man literally opened the guy’s car door and shouted, “I have more rights than you!” while sweating righteousness onto the pavement. That’s the final evolution of the species: the Cop-Summoning Bike Paladin.
Then they gather in packs, vibrating with caffeine and moral superiority, taking up the whole road like a rolling cult of reflective tape and trauma. AND WHY ARE YOU ALL GOING 14 MPH UPHILL BUT 60 MPH DOWN? PICK A SPEED, GREG! YOU’RE NOT IN THE TOUR, YOU’RE GOING TO PANERA!
They’ll ride three-wide through traffic, run red lights like they’re optional, and still look you dead in the eyes like you’re the problem. Owns a $6,000 carbon bike named something pretentious like AeroSoul X-9000, drinks beet juice “for performance,” and logs every ride on Strava like they’re saving humanity.
And heaven forbid you pass one. They’ll lose their Lycra-covered minds. Just ask Gary Peacock — the legendary Park City cyclist who called the cops on a kid named Pierce for daring to drive by him. This man literally opened the guy’s car door and shouted, “I have more rights than you!” while sweating righteousness onto the pavement. That’s the final evolution of the species: the Cop-Summoning Bike Paladin.
Then they gather in packs, vibrating with caffeine and moral superiority, taking up the whole road like a rolling cult of reflective tape and trauma. AND WHY ARE YOU ALL GOING 14 MPH UPHILL BUT 60 MPH DOWN? PICK A SPEED, GREG! YOU’RE NOT IN THE TOUR, YOU’RE GOING TO PANERA!
by racoo01 October 24, 2025
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