Charter Communications Marketing Plan:
1. Find a former-
hick community, say, Sparks,
Nevada that is rapidly growing technologically.
2. Buy up all the rights to the cable lines within the
new housing complexes in construction, and make those cable lines available only to Charter only.
3. When new owners of a home move in, bombard their mailbox with faster
internet service ads.
4. Provide the service, seemingly superior in
speed and reliability compared to their nonexistent competitors at first, but then after the first week, totally flips out, and has long downtimes and ignorant customer support reps that love to talk back against angry customers.
5. When customer opts out of the service, remind them that they need to pay a $200+ separation fee because their first month is not up, and not even the first 2 years of their contract.
6. When customer REALLY WANTS OUT, then remind him or her that their ass still belongs to Charter, and theres no other alternative except a slower and still just as unreliable ClearWire Wi-Fi broadband in the neighborhood.
7. When customer threatens to sue, Charter pays electric company to cut off all
power, except for a few
D-Batteries to
power a portable TV connected to a portable VHS
player, reminding them that they can stop this by switching back.
8. Don't provide them any service anyways, and
bill them $4000 a month in retaliation for their lifetimes. Also armed guards patrol the outside of their doors at all times, with rottweilers bred for the taste of human flesh drooling on the
windows.
