Saugerties
A small township in Ulster County, New York.
Affectionately referred to by the locals as a shithole and other endearing terms. The inhabitants have a number of discerning qualities that don't really make them stick out from most small American towns, but are worth noting in any case.
1. Saugertisians have an uncanny knack for being anally conformist; indeed, the general population can be divided into seven groups: chavs, aging hipsters, "scene" kids, hicks, teenybopping harlots, more aging hipsters, and roughly normal people who just can't wait to get out. A large percentage of the "nonconformists" wear the same clothing and tell the same jokes as all the other "rebels," because it's common knowledge that one must quote Charlie the Unicorn and shop at Hot Topic if one REALLY wants to be different.
2. They're also infectiously stupid. Example: Come check out our brand-new track at the high school...built to semi-obsolete specs. Now we're stuck with it for 50 years. Cheers!
3. To pick out a local, look for any of these traits: Fauxhawks and/or shitty mohawks. Anything from Hot Topic, as mentioned. Do-rags. Greasy/poorly styled/unskillfully dyed hair (check all that apply). Anything pertaining to a chavish look or manner, despite the fact that chavs are a British pestilence. Thick layers of makeup on the ladies resulting in the look of a geisha dancer. T-shirts fronting obscure bands that nobody has ever heard of, or with ironic slogans that were funny a decade ago. Clouds of spray-on deodorant that you can smell a mile off but fail to conceal the reek of cannabis. Massive hoop earrings you could stick your head through. Basketball shorts or sweats. "Handbags" that are bigger than the women carrying them. Expensive and shitty "snowboarding" gear that is about as useful for snow sports as a salami is useful for self-defense. Chains, spikes and studs of all varieties, bonus if they're not actually metal.
4. There are no nice cars in Saugerties. That is a popular misconception. Excluding the local car show, the only vehicles to be found are tractors, rusty pickups, minivans, and assorted hideously painted/decalled monsters that might once have been decent-looking. The drivers either amuse themselves by picking their noses while negotiating hairpin turns and black ice at Mach One, or drive excruciatingly slowly, forcing everyone behind them to slow to a crawl.
5. In the school system, a newcomer can occasionally find the rare group of - dare I say - cool individuals, who will gladly shelter them and provide some measure of relief from the daily grind. You are blessed if you encounter such a group, for they are few and far between.
6. Tourists. If it exists, they will come. Really. People drive two hours north from New York City to "look at the beautiful foliage" and the "picturesque mountains"? Give me a break of the fucking Kit Kat bar. Why do they come here? Nobody knows. In any case, it makes the situation more aggravating over the weekends and holidays, for in addition to the standard Hudson Valley fare (scum), one has to put up with the snobby big-city bourgeoisie as well. Some even buy summer homes! O.O
7. If the message hasn't got through yet....stay away from this unholy den of iniquity. Saugerties is not your friend.
Affectionately referred to by the locals as a shithole and other endearing terms. The inhabitants have a number of discerning qualities that don't really make them stick out from most small American towns, but are worth noting in any case.
1. Saugertisians have an uncanny knack for being anally conformist; indeed, the general population can be divided into seven groups: chavs, aging hipsters, "scene" kids, hicks, teenybopping harlots, more aging hipsters, and roughly normal people who just can't wait to get out. A large percentage of the "nonconformists" wear the same clothing and tell the same jokes as all the other "rebels," because it's common knowledge that one must quote Charlie the Unicorn and shop at Hot Topic if one REALLY wants to be different.
2. They're also infectiously stupid. Example: Come check out our brand-new track at the high school...built to semi-obsolete specs. Now we're stuck with it for 50 years. Cheers!
3. To pick out a local, look for any of these traits: Fauxhawks and/or shitty mohawks. Anything from Hot Topic, as mentioned. Do-rags. Greasy/poorly styled/unskillfully dyed hair (check all that apply). Anything pertaining to a chavish look or manner, despite the fact that chavs are a British pestilence. Thick layers of makeup on the ladies resulting in the look of a geisha dancer. T-shirts fronting obscure bands that nobody has ever heard of, or with ironic slogans that were funny a decade ago. Clouds of spray-on deodorant that you can smell a mile off but fail to conceal the reek of cannabis. Massive hoop earrings you could stick your head through. Basketball shorts or sweats. "Handbags" that are bigger than the women carrying them. Expensive and shitty "snowboarding" gear that is about as useful for snow sports as a salami is useful for self-defense. Chains, spikes and studs of all varieties, bonus if they're not actually metal.
4. There are no nice cars in Saugerties. That is a popular misconception. Excluding the local car show, the only vehicles to be found are tractors, rusty pickups, minivans, and assorted hideously painted/decalled monsters that might once have been decent-looking. The drivers either amuse themselves by picking their noses while negotiating hairpin turns and black ice at Mach One, or drive excruciatingly slowly, forcing everyone behind them to slow to a crawl.
5. In the school system, a newcomer can occasionally find the rare group of - dare I say - cool individuals, who will gladly shelter them and provide some measure of relief from the daily grind. You are blessed if you encounter such a group, for they are few and far between.
6. Tourists. If it exists, they will come. Really. People drive two hours north from New York City to "look at the beautiful foliage" and the "picturesque mountains"? Give me a break of the fucking Kit Kat bar. Why do they come here? Nobody knows. In any case, it makes the situation more aggravating over the weekends and holidays, for in addition to the standard Hudson Valley fare (scum), one has to put up with the snobby big-city bourgeoisie as well. Some even buy summer homes! O.O
7. If the message hasn't got through yet....stay away from this unholy den of iniquity. Saugerties is not your friend.
Saugerties Meathead: Hey, I'm beefy and huge. Wanna suck my dick?
Someone Else: *uses taser*
Saugerties Hipster: Hey, I listen to vinyl records while doing drugs. Wanna become my indentured servant?
Someone Else: *uses pepper spray*
Saugerties Townie: Hey, I carry a skateboard and spray paint even though I can't ride or tag for shit! Wanna go get drunk and do totally innocent, legal, and consensual stuff?
Someone Else: *cracks board over head, sprays paint in eyes*
Someone Else: *uses taser*
Saugerties Hipster: Hey, I listen to vinyl records while doing drugs. Wanna become my indentured servant?
Someone Else: *uses pepper spray*
Saugerties Townie: Hey, I carry a skateboard and spray paint even though I can't ride or tag for shit! Wanna go get drunk and do totally innocent, legal, and consensual stuff?
Someone Else: *cracks board over head, sprays paint in eyes*
Saugerties by Scimitar5 June 17, 2009
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