Erewhon
Erewhon is a Los Angeles based, organic grocery store that caters to health conscious, fit, and beautiful individuals. They offer a wide variety of salubrious, well-curated goods that are carefully selected to appeal to influencers and coastal elite types. A food boutique if you will.
At the door, a security guard will ask you to step on a scale to make sure you’re thin enough to enter. If you’re skinny enough to make it to the next step, the store manager will check your social media accounts to make sure you have at least 10k active, real followers. You must show your most recent tax documents and a valid passport with at least ten international stamps on it. If you’ve made it this far, you will then be asked to stand in front of three randomly selected Erewhon shoppers who will rate the softness of your hair and skin, your teeth and gums, how nice your hands are, and the quality and sustainability of your clothes and re-usable shopping bag. If they approve of you, a flower crown (organic) is placed on your shiny, soft hair and you are welcomed into the store by the other ethereal, thin, angelic Erewhon shoppers. If they disapprove, non-organic tomatoes are thrown at you and Gavin Newsom is called to perform a crystal and sage cleanse at the store. You are then vanished to "the colonies" (basically anywhere outside Southern California) where you'll be forced to shop at Vons with the commoners who wear Kohl's clothes and use an Android.
At the door, a security guard will ask you to step on a scale to make sure you’re thin enough to enter. If you’re skinny enough to make it to the next step, the store manager will check your social media accounts to make sure you have at least 10k active, real followers. You must show your most recent tax documents and a valid passport with at least ten international stamps on it. If you’ve made it this far, you will then be asked to stand in front of three randomly selected Erewhon shoppers who will rate the softness of your hair and skin, your teeth and gums, how nice your hands are, and the quality and sustainability of your clothes and re-usable shopping bag. If they approve of you, a flower crown (organic) is placed on your shiny, soft hair and you are welcomed into the store by the other ethereal, thin, angelic Erewhon shoppers. If they disapprove, non-organic tomatoes are thrown at you and Gavin Newsom is called to perform a crystal and sage cleanse at the store. You are then vanished to "the colonies" (basically anywhere outside Southern California) where you'll be forced to shop at Vons with the commoners who wear Kohl's clothes and use an Android.
Erewhon Shopper 1: Should I get the $30 Buffalo Cauliflower or the $50 Organic Coconut Turmeric Chicken Tenders?
Erewhon Shopper 2: Ew, neither. You'll end up looking like one of those obese out of state people that weight like, 150 pounds and buy their groceries at a regular supermarket. If you keep eating like that, you'll have to buy your clothes at one of those size-inclusive places like Target or Kohl's. Is that the future you want? Just get the $20 non-GMO, free-range water instead.
Erewhon Shopper 2: Ew, neither. You'll end up looking like one of those obese out of state people that weight like, 150 pounds and buy their groceries at a regular supermarket. If you keep eating like that, you'll have to buy your clothes at one of those size-inclusive places like Target or Kohl's. Is that the future you want? Just get the $20 non-GMO, free-range water instead.
Erewhon by traitorjoes August 23, 2022
