A Devout Christian Mom (DCM) is like my mom. She's the kind of mom who tries to control every aspect of her kid's lives in fear of her religion. She won't admit she fears religion, but inside she probably does. She believes anyone who is gay, believes in evolution, or thinks we should deal with climate change is a Satanist. If you're her kid, you're screwed. She thinks spanking kids only serves to make them strong and brave. She'd prefer to give a kid a shitty religious education rather than a public school education because, "God said so", or whatever she believes.
Normal kid: "Aw crap, I tripped!"
Devout Christian Mom: "Did you just say CRAP!?"
Kid: "Well, yeah..."
*Kid gets sentenced to being spanked ten times every other day*
Kid: "I can't take this! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!"
Devout Christian Mom: "WHAT!? Come on, we're going to have you talk to the pastor. You have been playing those violent video games again!"
Kid: "We don't even have violent video games in our house!"
Devout Christian Mom: "Are you saying that I'm a fool!? More spankin's!"
*Kids gets even more depressed and hateful, and eventually kills himself*
Devout Christian Mom: "WHY DID THE DEVIL HAVE TO MAKE MY BABY LISTEN TO RAP MUSIC!? Oh Ronald Reagan, PLEASE BRING MY BABY BACK!"
Reagan's ghost: "Shut up lady. My only advice for you is to get yourself spayed."
Devout Christian Mom: "Birth Control is evil! How dare you. You aren't the real Ronald Reagan, you're SATAN!"
Reagan's ghost: *Floats away in frustration*
Devout Christian Mom: "Did you just say CRAP!?"
Kid: "Well, yeah..."
*Kid gets sentenced to being spanked ten times every other day*
Kid: "I can't take this! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!"
Devout Christian Mom: "WHAT!? Come on, we're going to have you talk to the pastor. You have been playing those violent video games again!"
Kid: "We don't even have violent video games in our house!"
Devout Christian Mom: "Are you saying that I'm a fool!? More spankin's!"
*Kids gets even more depressed and hateful, and eventually kills himself*
Devout Christian Mom: "WHY DID THE DEVIL HAVE TO MAKE MY BABY LISTEN TO RAP MUSIC!? Oh Ronald Reagan, PLEASE BRING MY BABY BACK!"
Reagan's ghost: "Shut up lady. My only advice for you is to get yourself spayed."
Devout Christian Mom: "Birth Control is evil! How dare you. You aren't the real Ronald Reagan, you're SATAN!"
Reagan's ghost: *Floats away in frustration*
by Mr. big E. March 23, 2019