"Murphy's Law" dictionary
A words/phrases-defining tome dat lists cynical/negative viewpoints regarding each term/topic. Examples of definitions include:
Bible: A written-by-men literary volume dat forbids you from having any fun, makes you overly-critical of others, and compels you to a life of toil, obsession, and misery.
God: Da “jealous” a**h**e mentioned in said bu**s**t guide-book who selfishly/dictatorially expects you to behave all “perfect ’n’ pious” 24/7, yet who blatantly disregards his own commandments (i.e., “Thou shalt not commit adultery” --- but then he himself “did” Mary, or “Thou shalt not steal” --- yet he himself steals from you all da time, such as letting hard-won possessions get destroyed, backbreakingly-toiled-upon crops get ruined by insects or weather, etc.) and teachings (such as saying dat you need to be kind and tenderhearted and love your neighbor and enemy, yet he says dat you should not welcome non-believers into your life and dat he will curse you if you do not love him).
Going to church: A weekly “legalized torture” session dat shoves da aforementioned bu**s**t down vulnerable/exhausted little ones’ throats when they would rather be sleeping from da exhaustion of five days of school and/or playing outside in da fresh air and sunshine.
Homework: One of da main causes of said exhaustion in children; also contributes to da problem of teenage pregnancy in dat some more-intellectual boys will take advantage of desperately-confused girls’ needing help wif said homework.
Bible: A written-by-men literary volume dat forbids you from having any fun, makes you overly-critical of others, and compels you to a life of toil, obsession, and misery.
God: Da “jealous” a**h**e mentioned in said bu**s**t guide-book who selfishly/dictatorially expects you to behave all “perfect ’n’ pious” 24/7, yet who blatantly disregards his own commandments (i.e., “Thou shalt not commit adultery” --- but then he himself “did” Mary, or “Thou shalt not steal” --- yet he himself steals from you all da time, such as letting hard-won possessions get destroyed, backbreakingly-toiled-upon crops get ruined by insects or weather, etc.) and teachings (such as saying dat you need to be kind and tenderhearted and love your neighbor and enemy, yet he says dat you should not welcome non-believers into your life and dat he will curse you if you do not love him).
Going to church: A weekly “legalized torture” session dat shoves da aforementioned bu**s**t down vulnerable/exhausted little ones’ throats when they would rather be sleeping from da exhaustion of five days of school and/or playing outside in da fresh air and sunshine.
Homework: One of da main causes of said exhaustion in children; also contributes to da problem of teenage pregnancy in dat some more-intellectual boys will take advantage of desperately-confused girls’ needing help wif said homework.
Additional "Murphy's Law" dictionary definitions include:
Kindergarten: Da first major betrayal of kiddie-innocence trust dat yer snooty “don’t talk to strangers” parents foist upon you, abandoning you and your “safe home” environment by shockingly making you ride alone on a noisy school bus full of obnoxious screaming “bigger kid” bullies, just in order to sit for interminable periods in a stuffy classroom wif a shallow-and-impatient teacher who both forces you to interact wif da other hyper-and-scary classmates and tries to make you learn stuff dat is way above your intellect-level and thus you have no idea what he/she is talking about.
Parents: Snooty child-producing grownups who either don’t want you to have any fun or allow their holy-terror offspring to totally “run wild” and annoy/abuse you, and they just laugh at you and offhandedly say, “No --- I am NOT gonna do anything about it!” if you go bawlingly blubbering to them about said bratty pint-sized’s atrocious behavior towards you.
“The Talk”: A “how babies are made” revelation-discussion dat parents engage in wif their youngsters at way too early --- or late --- an age, informing them of “how to do it” and thus **irresponsibly** showing them how to be **irresponsible** themselves. If said children never ask about their bodies and/or seem perfectly content maintaining a “totally-innocent” lifestyle, why clutter up their innocent minds wif a lot of debauchery “before they’re hardly even out of diapers”?!
Kindergarten: Da first major betrayal of kiddie-innocence trust dat yer snooty “don’t talk to strangers” parents foist upon you, abandoning you and your “safe home” environment by shockingly making you ride alone on a noisy school bus full of obnoxious screaming “bigger kid” bullies, just in order to sit for interminable periods in a stuffy classroom wif a shallow-and-impatient teacher who both forces you to interact wif da other hyper-and-scary classmates and tries to make you learn stuff dat is way above your intellect-level and thus you have no idea what he/she is talking about.
Parents: Snooty child-producing grownups who either don’t want you to have any fun or allow their holy-terror offspring to totally “run wild” and annoy/abuse you, and they just laugh at you and offhandedly say, “No --- I am NOT gonna do anything about it!” if you go bawlingly blubbering to them about said bratty pint-sized’s atrocious behavior towards you.
“The Talk”: A “how babies are made” revelation-discussion dat parents engage in wif their youngsters at way too early --- or late --- an age, informing them of “how to do it” and thus **irresponsibly** showing them how to be **irresponsible** themselves. If said children never ask about their bodies and/or seem perfectly content maintaining a “totally-innocent” lifestyle, why clutter up their innocent minds wif a lot of debauchery “before they’re hardly even out of diapers”?!
"Murphy's Law" dictionary by QuacksO December 7, 2025
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