the masturbation defense

The universal alibi used by criminal defense attorneys and criminals. The accused will use the "I was at home masturbating" defense to avoid conviction. Defense will provide dna evidence and semen samples to the prosicution resulting in an acquittal, mostly.

detective: Sir, we know you did it we know you lured those minors. you also have alot of teenage boys and girls on your facebook page. We have witnesses and physical evidence linking you to these crimes.

handjob Bob: I was at home masturbating, mostly. You want proof?

detective: "The masturbation defense" huh? you have surviellance video of you masturbating?

handjob Bob: Better, I have DNA evidence and witnesses who can back that up.

by TheFirst48 January 22, 2010

reputation masturbation

Attempt to inflate ones own image by claiming you've slept with a woman you really just masturbated to. Typical female subject way out of your league (see: Reputation Urination).

Frequent acts of Reputation Masturbation may result in fapnapping. Typical offender lives vicariously through dude bro friends who actually get laid.

Dude bro: you see that hottie Katie on the second floor yet?

Offender: hell yea bro, I banged her last weekend
Dude bro: you mean you banged your hand and fapnapped last weekend. Classic case of reputation masturbation.

by Kadence W December 14, 2013

Synchronized Masturbation

Planning masturbation at the same time as your counterpart. Not necessarily in the same room, synchronized masturbation can be done over text, video chat, ect. Pictures and videos are often exchanged during synchronized masturbation.

Guy 1:"Dude, me and April were doing synchronized masturbation last night!"
Guy 2:"Did you get any picture?"
Guy 1:"Nah man, better, I got a video. I chummed hard man!"

by Short Kicker August 19, 2014

cinematic masturbation

A movie which has excessive action and may potentially make you feel good but you may experience a high level of guilt or remorse having watched the movie.

Cinematic masturbation movies include 2012, Transformers, GI Joe, Doom, Alien vs Predator

by SamYam November 20, 2009

masturnation

when you use the flag of the united states of america to clean up jizz after you masturbate

oh that was a squirter. good thing i have my flag right here so i can be a masturnator and practice masturnation

by authorofthedictionary November 20, 2010

masturcation

to masticate (eat) and masturbate at the same time.

I had to make the meeting at three, and there was not time to eat and masturbate, so i masturcated.

by djtrurasta May 13, 2005

medical masturbation

Medical cure for blue balls outlawed in many states as a result of the war on penis.

Off the record, the doc can tell you what shit needs to get done.

Patient: Doc, my balls hurt real bad.

Doc: Groovy, it looks like you need the medicine of love.

Patient: ???

Doc: I am prescribing medical masturbation maaaaan.

Patient: I fucking love you!

(Patient hugs Doc)

Doc: Just doing my job.

by M.H.Y. July 25, 2009