Western Jesus

A weird kid. He always thinks everyone likes him. He usually goes on the dark web to buy weird stuff.

Jake: He’s acting like a Western Jesus.

by anonymous November 27, 2020

Russian Jesus

The man who walked on tanks

Turned water into Vodka

Gave children trench coats

His mom was a mob boss

His dad was a whore

Did you hear about Russian Jesus? He is GOD

by Mr. Jesus.com March 23, 2022

Gabriel Jesus Camacho Espinoza De La Santisima Trinidad

He is very un intelligent but really smart. He's a nice person and he's autistic with us. He's short, Mexican, and says stuff out of no where

Im talking about the short Gabriel. You know, Gabriel Jesus Camacho Espinoza De La Santisima Trinidad.

by bruh idk. im not einstien December 5, 2023

Green Jesus

Description for some bomb ass weed that has you seeing the Matrix...

'Chilling at home, playing Borderlands, stoned off my ass on that Green Jesus...'

by otismakesmusic March 10, 2023

Jesus Goodbye

When someone announces their departure from a social gathering, disappears for a while, and then unexpectedly returns, much like Jesus' resurrection.

Tom executed the ultimate Jesus goodbye at the dinner party, informing everyone he was heading home, only to reappear an hour later with a fresh round of drinks

by SausageTunnel March 31, 2024

Jesus

A fictional character who is the figure head of the Christian faith. One of 4,200 religions here on planet earth. There is absolutely no historical evidence at all that he ever existed. None. Jesus didn't die on a cross as it is physically impossible to nail a human to a crucifix and that human defeat gravity. Jesus was not born without his father impregnating his mother, that is completely impossible and goes against anything science and medicine tells the human race today. Jesus and his cultists do not believe in science or medicine. Logic and common sense are also viewed as an attack on "faith" which allows his followers, especially here in the States of America, to cry and bitch about ANYONE who disagrees with their infantile bullshit. Jesus was invented so that Christians could control other humans, especially women. This is also a common thread in almost all religions which not only degrade women, it allows wars to be fought in his name killing millions of non combatants and blaming other religions for being somehow wrong. Catholics use Jesus to rape and sexually assault under age boys by the tens of thousands while their supposed conduit to "heaven" turns a blind eye to the cancer. They would rather murder women for getting an abortion than stop all of the pedophiles infesting their church. Jesus is also a grift for churches here in the States of America.

Soldier 1: Oh man, that was a close one! That almost hit me!

Soldier 2: Jesus fucking christ that was close!

Some zealot: Do you have Jesus in your heart?

Poor bastard: No it's blood. Who the fuck is Jesus?!

Joel Osteen: Jesus has a plan for you!
My asshole: Joel, go fuck yourself you goddamn Jesus grifter!!

by Asymmetric shits for trump September 28, 2022

Jesus

A guy from the bible who people believe died for our sins. Mainly worshipped in Christianity.

Although there are some Christians who are cool with people of color and homosexuals, Homophobic and Racist people commit hate crimes in his name. Namely *cough*republicans*cough*

Republican using Jesus to his benifit:
In the mighty name of Jesus I ban you from this store, and any other f** here!
Jesus says that the covid vaccine is a lie!
Homosexuality is a SIN! THE LORD JESUS SAID SO!

Normal Christian Respecting People:
Remember Jesus loves you honey.
Jesus is with you my dear.
Jesus take the wheel!

by MichaTheDirtyDefinitionCreator April 29, 2021