mitch hedberg

an american comedian known for his one-line non sequiturs. he was hilarious and may he rest in peace

I slept at my friends house, and he said "you have to sleep on the floor" i said "Damn gravity...got me again! You don't know how badly i wanted to sleep on the wall!"_ Mitch Hedberg

and

I have a king sized bed. Now i don't know any kings, but I'm sure that if one slept over, he would be comfortable... "Hey I'm a king!" "well you'll never guess what I have in store for you, exactly to your specifications"-Mitch Hedberg

and

You know how people say "i don't care if they're black, white, purple or green!"? ..oh now hold on a minute, you gotta draw the line somewhere...to hell with purple people! unless they're suffocating...theenn help em!-Mitch Hedberg

by teeeaaa May 13, 2006

Mitch Hedberg

funny ass comedian.dak sunglasses are always present on his face.

some of his brilliannce:

i dont have a girlfriend, i just know a girl that will get really mad if i say that.

cucumbers are pickles that sold out.

a woman asked me where i see myself in five years,i said "celebratin the fifth year anniversary, of you askin me that question!"

by mitch fan October 2, 2004

mitch hedberg

Funniest comedian alive, see crack head, lol but the best crack head.

"I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
The Grand Finally

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

by n333m October 19, 2004

Tobias Hellberg

He's got a huge dong with a tattoo of a dragon on it. He is shorter than a hobbit but hairier than a dwarf. He would fit right in in the Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings. Some people call him the lover of math, I call him the love of my life. He could put his humongous dong in any of his students, the would just beg for more. He gives the worlds best hugs, but watch out so he doesn't rape you. I could call him Daddy anytime. He is the epitome of a handsome man. Tobias is love, Tobias is life.

Tobias Hellberg is the best math teacher ever!

by AssCrumbs January 31, 2019

mitch hedberg

Mitchel Hedberg is a comedian. His comedy is unique in that you do not have to see him to understand the joke. Givin this information, it is safe to say that the uniqeness of his comedy has complimented the understanding of his CDs "Strategic grill locations" and "Mitch all together"

Xylophone is spelled with an X. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start alot of words, but you will have a co-staring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be aquainted with hugs and kisses. and you will make writing christmas easier. and you will mark the spot. and you will incedentaly start Xylophone. Are you happy now, you fucking X?

by The Kid January 2, 2005

mitch hedberg

hillarious man who sees the world through rose colored glasses... literally!

yno, on a stoplight, yellow means yield, and green means go? well, on a banana, its just the opposite. green means hold on, yellow means go ahead...... and red means where the fuck you get that banana AT?

by Stefan Woo March 1, 2005

hedberg

An escalator that is temporarily stairs.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
-Mitch Hedberg

by !JayAm! December 2, 2018