Jesus

He is not our savior, he's just a guy with a dirty shirt who tries to sell you tamales in the Walmart parking lot. And when you say no, he offers to fix the dent in your car, or install drywall in your basement.

AKA Haysuse.

Hola, I Jesus. Jew want tamales?

No tamale....... Me do drywall work forjew. Me fix that dent forjew. Me need deniro por new chuse.

by Too-funny September 19, 2009

Jesus Freak

Though this is not going to get likes, in fact, it'll get dislikes, a JF is a true Christian who strives to live his or her life for Jesus. By grace they have been saved from their sins, spending time in his word and choosing to live for him; they tend to be non-denominational, but they may come from ANY denomination, even Catholic. They typically would fall under the umbrella of evangelical. That means they want their friends to know what Jesus has done for them and how much he loves them, and to accept him. They don't try to stuff Jesus down your throat, for they know that you can't, and may share Jesus or may wish to let their life do the talking. Though all true Christians can be labeled JFs, usually those who self-profess to be this are Christian teenagers. It is a reclaimed term, as it originally was a derogatory term used against hippies during the JM of the 70s, but when dcTalk made a hit crossover song called "Jesus Freak" during the 90s, young Christians now use it. They are cool, and may very well be your friend, but their "religious side," causes them to be persecuted. Their irreligious friends try to squeeze it out of them in every way possible, calling them racist, brainwashed, and intolerant, saying that they aren't cool for simply stating the truth out of LOVE NOT HATE. Most are truly legitimately cool people with normal lives that just happen to have been lucky enough to know Jesus.

(Note: True JFs do not live this way as an act, they are genuine people.)

Cameron: Do you want to come over tonight and see that movie I talked about? Maybe we can get some girls to come over, and you know...

Josh: Well, as much I'd like to do that, you no perfectly well that I'm a Christian and am not allowed to watch R rated films, nor would I want to... I would want to see the girls though...

Cameron: Oh, dude, I'm your friend, but do you have to throw in Jesus into EVERYTHING. I've told you 50 million times I'm an atheist and don't think God exists. It all just doesn't make very much sense to me. Can you please come over?

Josh: I know you're an atheist, Cam, and that's why I don't want to see you go to... (suddenly he got very quiet)

Cameron: ****? You really think I'm going to **** for not believing in something that doesn't exist and for living a life of sin that I don't have?

Josh: Well, when you put it that way... (silence) But yeah, I believe that because it's the truth, I guess. The Bible says so. I'll come over as long as we don't watch an R rated film. We can watch something else on your huge movie screen. But, will you please come to church, just once with me, this weekend? They have rock music!

Cameron: Fine, can't hurt. I'll come. But can we bring the girls tonight though?

Josh: Sure, but not to have sex.

Cameron: Ugh, you are such a Jesus Freak!

by Jesus Christ,FTW November 11, 2012

Jesus Brick

If someone says something stupid or does something ridiculously awful, Jesus throws a brick at you with a note tied to it "from: Jesus"
The brick can fly around until it has stricken down its target. This phrase is ok to use if you don't believe in Jesus.

Girl - "Look, reindeer!!!!"
Boy - "Jesus brick! Those are cows!"

by REALITY, bitch January 8, 2009

sweet teen jesus

n. 'swEt 'tEn 'jE-z&s

An adaptation from the oft used sweet jesus showing exclamation, but even more so. The modification uses the rarely discussed 'teen' jesus to enhance surprise.

1. You got hit by a car riding your bike? Sweet teen jesus, that's rough.

2. Sweet teen jesus, that's one good sandwich

by MC Ducats n' Buckets March 10, 2005

Walked with Jesus

The most hilarious and light-hearted euphemism to indicate that your shit, has indeed, been jacked.

Friend: "Hey dude, where's your TV?"
You: "Well, you see, it walked with Jesus."

by Sagely One July 7, 2009

You need Jesus!

For when someone is deciding to be a dumb person.

Charlotte: haiuhlssisghj
Shirley: wth?
Charlotte: suygkhjdipdugvciuyhifgvcgiufgh
Shirley: Charlotte, I-
Charlotte: SIYXLKUHIUHKGUODHGJVIUHDB DHODHJVHUODHJVHDUHVDHU
Shirley and Alpen: YOU NEED JESUS!
Charlotte: wha?
Shirley: *SLAPS THE FUCKING BIBLE AGAINST CHARLOTTE'S FACE*

by *cough* hello July 3, 2019