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nolandc's definitions

Bed bugs text

(n.) a text so risky that the sender sends it as they are falling asleep, so they can avoid the feeling of regret that immediately follows.

The text can be so exceedingly treacherous that it will frighten away bed bugs and other night critters.
Freddy asked Claire out via bed bugs text.
by nolandc September 12, 2019
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1 if by subway, 2 if by Uber

(n.) A phrase often shouted at pregames, "1 if by subway, 2 if by Uber" is a management technique to cluster the party into people taking public transport and those taking a taxi to go out.

A play on Paul Revere's "1 if by land, 2 if by sea" exclamation from 1774. Happens to be a convenient proxy to segment the group into the wealthy and poor.
Paul: "1 IF BY SUBWAY, 2 IF BY UBER."
Jim: "1!"
Maddox Witcroft, IV: "What a peasant."
by nolandc September 12, 2019
mugGet the 1 if by subway, 2 if by Ubermug.

Excel Poetry

(n.) the act of writing non-work-related content into a spreadsheet while at work, so as if to appear you're toiling away.

Veiled procrastination. Allows the Excel-poet to engage in confident eye contact whenever the boss walks by. Meanwhile, sweaty colleagues scramble to appear busy, mystified.
I have time to forge my definitions thanks to Excel Poetry.
by nolandc September 24, 2019
mugGet the Excel Poetrymug.

Scareline

The scary hairline of a young man realizing that, someday, he will be bald.

Recession is the name of the game. The dadbod of hairlines, the scareline indicates to potential mates that he’s a fresh sprout with fatherly clout.
Tim inspected his scareline in the mirror and confidently whispered: "Receding is succeeding."
by nolandc January 23, 2020
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