chesterpest's definitions

liquid kosh

Alternative name for Stella Artois premium strength lager. Also known as wife beater. Refers to the after effects suffered from a night on the lash.

The morning after his 'liquid kosh' fueled binge Dave lost all feeling in his legs and went blind in one eye - 'Result' he declared.

by chesterpest January 17, 2010

Jazz crooner

An elderly readers wife who makes regular appearances in the pages of a top shelf Jazz Mag.

'Has anyone seen my April edition of 'MILF times', there's a Jazz crooner on page 42 that looks just like Mavis from accounts?'

by chesterpest January 17, 2010

Keith Floyd

Contravertial alcoholic, dickie-bow wearing, TV Chef/funnyman who used his outdoor cookery programme as a weak pretext to travel the world, patronise and insult the local tribesmen, take advantage of local hospitality and get totally shitted on the local 'tipple' whilst simultaneously attempting to cook (and often fail spectacularly) their regional speciality dish. Sadly now deceased after years of alcohol abuse ravaged his slowly pickled body into submission.

Can we watch 'Keith Floyd around the Med' at 9pm tonight, apparently he's in Tunisia this time and apart from cooking lamb tagine with apricots he's going to be getting ripped to the tits on their local brew and taking the piss out of some local goatherders?

by chesterpest January 17, 2010

scudmail

A smutty round robin email (usually slideshows of womens genitalia made to look like kebabs or turkeys), which successfully evade the attentions of the office IT police.

Geoffs latest scudmail was a powerpoint slideshow of really drunk tramps who had apparently shit themselves - it went down a storm in with the accounts boys.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

talking to the captain

felating a woman's clitoris. Term derived from the slang for a womans clitoris 'The man in a boat'.

'Right then Barry' declared sharon 'first things first, I want to see you talking to the captain before you stick that cock up me - its not all about you!!'

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

Monkeys toe

When you're so desperate for a dump that you struggle to keep it in before reaching the sanctuary of a toilet. Also known as 'Touching cloth', 'pulling tongues', 'turtles head', 'getting a black eye', 'squeezing and 8 ball' etc...

'Can you hurry up in there mate, trap one has shit on the seat and i've got a monkeys toe out here?'

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

easter mummy

The opposite of the Easter Bunny who steals easter egg presents from their own kids without telling them.

"I'm afraid Aunty Mavis forgot to get you an easter egg this year little billy", said the easter mummy, "but anyway you've still got 3 more to eat and we dont want you getting sick - right?"

by chesterpest January 22, 2010