4 definitions by Suntan Dave
KEGS Nuneaton is in a fierce battle with North Warwickshire College on two fronts. The first being the race to produce the highest number of Marxists to be sent out into the wider Nuneaton area. The second being the race to produce the highest net output of vape fumes in Warwickshire. Both colleges have been so successful in this quest that both of their smoking areas have been granted protected status by the Association of English Vapers. What sets KEGS Nuneaton above North Warwickshire college, though, is the ability of its students to 'infect' Nuneaton with these traits. Whereas the sole requirement of North Warwickshire college when it was granted planning permission was to build it as far away from public amenities as possible, KEGS Nuneaton escaped that restriction and was allowed to be built just 500 yards from the infamous Nuneaton town centre. As a result of this, Nuneaton town centre resembles the sky above a coal factory chimney with the levels of vape fumes emitted at lunchtimes when KEGS' students swarm the town in search of either a Greggs steak bake or a McDonalds double cheeseburger, both much-loved food items amongst Nuneatonians. The fume situation has become so bad that Nuneaton Council have been forced to install specialist air quality control systems, manned by designated 'Vape Wardens', tasked with preventing an excessive proportion of vapes being used in within the perimeter of McDonalds and Greggs respectively.
*bus pulls up*
Driver: "Where you off to?"
Student: "KEGS Nuneaton please."
Driver: *activates vape addict alert system*
*vape addict alert system blares*
*Vape Warden Mobile Deployment vehicle pulls up*
Vape Wardens: (in unison) "Empty your pockets!"
*student drops vape on floor*
*student is shot.*
Driver: "Where you off to?"
Student: "KEGS Nuneaton please."
Driver: *activates vape addict alert system*
*vape addict alert system blares*
*Vape Warden Mobile Deployment vehicle pulls up*
Vape Wardens: (in unison) "Empty your pockets!"
*student drops vape on floor*
*student is shot.*
by Suntan Dave November 9, 2023
A school located in the English town of Hinckley, it is generally classed as a BTEC Hinckley Academy, ironic considering most students from the school go on to have only a BTEC qualification after their lack of GCSEs, and commonly falls 2nd in Hincklyians' list of dodgy schools in the area. The only separation it holds from its dodgier counterpart is the smaller net roadman output, with the school boasting a record-low 41% of year 11s in a gang. A stroll past the school gates at lunch must be warned against as your innocent lunchbreak stroll will see you witness a notorious field-fight, where two students battle it out to the death in an attempt to settle their disagreements over who should be attributed with the honour of being known as the person who smoked the most weed on the walk to school in that morning, and will result in you having to spend 3 hours of your day in the school office providing evidence which will go towards absolutely nothing as the school will no doubt find both wrestlers guilty, even when one of the students mistakes their mothers chopped-up basil for cannabis and smokes that on the way to school. Another common sight is dented artwork that hangs on the school corridors due the the art teacher's belief that displaying students' amazing artwork liven up the premises but, to the art department's disappointment, the canvasses only became a target for students with anger-issues to punch after being omitted from lessons for the 5th time in as many days.
Household member 1: *Slams door* help help!
Household member 2: What's the matter?
Household member 1: Quick get the nose disinefectant out the cupboard I just caught a whiff of burnt basil from a Redmoor Academy student whilst on my morning jog
Household member 2: What's the matter?
Household member 1: Quick get the nose disinefectant out the cupboard I just caught a whiff of burnt basil from a Redmoor Academy student whilst on my morning jog
by Suntan Dave October 23, 2020
A Catholic secondary school based in rural Stoke Golding, a village just outside the town of Hinckley, it boasts a healthy level of academic achievement and has had impressive GCSE results since it’s transformation into a 11-16 school seven years ago. This change, however, has given rise to a shift in the school’s demographics. No longer does the school consist of exclusively middle class students from the surrounding villages, whose parents pick them up in the car park each day in massive 4 by 4s presumably to counter the occasional leaves that fall on the end of their mansion’s drive, for the change in local school systems caused many students from the working class Hinckley that would’ve otherwise attended a more modest school such as Hinckley Academy or Redmoor to commute on the infamous Beaver Bus daily. This change has created a peculiar environment in the school were rich and poor are educated in harmony. This will, no doubt, be the middle-class students’ only experience of the working class before they go on to work as a hedge fund manager and fund the Conservative Party while putting their earnings into an offshore account.
Catholic Priest at Sunday Mass: “So, what schools does everyone’s children go to?”
All (in unison): “Saint Martin’s Catholic Academy!”
All (in unison): “Saint Martin’s Catholic Academy!”
by Suntan Dave December 8, 2021
Formerly known as JCC, the school has recently shifted away from the production of chavs which inhibit the Town and towards the breeding of the more modern, 21st century version: the Roadman. A ripped puffer jacket on the school gates is an ever-present sight, the sign that one gang of roadmen has sabotaged another and thus removed their leader of the right to wear a north face jacket in July and to use language such as blud, fam or init. The school's inability to get on top of the theft issue has had a profound effect on the standard of teaching, with only 32% of teachers reported having more than 3 chairs and an interactive 'smart'board. This, inevitably, had a major impact on the growth of the roadmen numbers, with gang leaders using the time it takes teachers to set up the old-fashioned chalkboard to teach classmates roadmen dialect, which will later be used in the afternoon's shoplift when one member of the gang subdues the owner with their confusing accent while the leader smuggles a monster energy drink through the door under their puffer jacket. At home-time you'd be mistaken for thinking some sort of bmx race takes place on the premises by the amount of roadmen with bikes waiting outside the school gates but they are in fact expelled pupils who have the sudden desire, after being expelled, to rock up on their bikes en-masse and wait for their mates outside the gates every day, subsequently putting any members of staff off leaving school grounds before 5pm.
mother: son, why is my bank account saying £250 spent on a mountain warehouse coat, its June?
Year 7 child: I'm starting Hinckley Academy in September init!
Year 7 child: I'm starting Hinckley Academy in September init!
by Suntan Dave October 22, 2020