PaulAllensCard's definitions

Wallet Fossil

An unused condom that has been tucked away in a wallet for so long that it's actually fused with the leather, and must be carbon dated to determine the era in which it was intended for use. A wallet fossil should not be discarded as it may be worth money on the collector's market, or at least holds value as nostalgia for the days you still held out some hope for pussy.

"The date had not gone well, and Laura felt an awesome wave of relief when their waiter finally appeared with the check. As Chad took out his Harley-Davidson wallet to pay, Laura noticed a scuffy ring-shaped extrusion on it that can only be produced by a long forgotten wallet fossil. Suddenly it all made sense to her."

by PaulAllensCard January 30, 2015

Snackistan

A Middle Eastern-owned retail liquor and/ or food store, usually not part of a chain.

"The 7-11 doesn't sell hard liquor, so let's go to snackistan."

by PaulAllensCard May 19, 2013

Travelsectomy

TRAvel-sectomy Eng., N.: A horrible incident, drug or procedure which neutralizes one's will to travel

A bunch of motherfuckers are gonna get a travelsectomy this year

by PaulAllensCard January 20, 2021

Jungle Dusting

Sprinkling someone else's pillow with pubic hair that's been ground into dust or chopped up into tiny enough pieces that it will 1. not be easily seen or detected and 2. likely be inhaled, ingested and stuck to the face not unlike glitter.

Other names include Grinch Powder, Dream Glitter, The Salty Sandman, Fairy Dust, Pillow Peppering

"Grandma, I am so sorry to have to tell you this right now, with you being in the hospital and so ill.... Okay, remember that Christmas you gave me the 60" Vizio plasma TV when I very clearly wanted the Sony LED? Well, I jungle dusted your pillow the next time you came to stay with us. Whoo! Damn, I feel SO much better now that you know!! Bye gram-gram."

Jungle Dusting.

by PaulAllensCard January 31, 2015

Controligarch

Controligarch English, noun: This is the fun part- YOU get to do my thinking 👍🎅🏿
Make it about your boyf, or if you ARE the quasi-abusive boyoyff then make it about your Russian gamepad issues financially driven to politically influence things on yachts with tacky gold and marble decor- it's bananas! Go nuts you deserve it

The word is "controligarch"
By the way there's some shit on the northwest corner of your touchscreen, sugarplum. Give it a wet wipe yo 💕

by PaulAllensCard January 20, 2021

Spread Stick

(Prank) You take someone's "solid stick" deodorant, twist the stick all the way out, remove the deodorant, screw the bottom part back down and then *replace it with cream cheese*. NOW THIS IS IMPORTANT: Once the casing is filled, you use a butter knife to "sculpt" the cream cheese to look just like the deodorant stick. Now replace the cap, and wait for the fun.

If you're reading this you should immediately "Spread Stick" someone.

by PaulAllensCard February 2, 2015

Tug Tent

A private space for discreet masturbation created by draping sheets over the lower bunk of a bunk bed, usually in a communal living situation like county jail or band camp.

"Hey Antoine, can I borrow your blanket? I'm building a tug tent..."

by PaulAllensCard January 30, 2015