Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions
Haemorrhoids, but in Birmingham.
While Simon’s piles were clearly the size of Birmingham, this did not make them actual Brumgrapes.
Brummie: “Cowin’ ‘ell, me bumgrapes are worse than Aston Villa’s defence.”
Accredited General Practitioner: “Then I fear you may have Brumgrapes.”
Brummie: “Cowin’ ‘ell, me bumgrapes are worse than Aston Villa’s defence.”
Accredited General Practitioner: “Then I fear you may have Brumgrapes.”
by Lancaster's Second Finest February 12, 2025
Get the Brumgrapes mug.The cruel and bigoted practice of mocking a fellow human being simply because they have brutal, throbbing haemorrhoids.
Having endured three decades of unremitting grape shaming from his supposed friends, Simon cautiously lifted himself from the inflatable cushion and declared for all the world “No more!” And then “Aaargh! Me Farmer Giles!”
by Lancaster's Second Finest April 23, 2024
Get the Grape Shaming mug.After inadvisedly smelling a half-pint of shandy, Simon developed catastrophic beercontinence and uncontrollably voided his bowels in the middle of a busy supermarket.
Geoff’s beercontinence was the stuff of legend, particularly among the staff at the Travelodge who remain in therapy to this day.
Brunhild in German: “Arnfried, did you literally just cack your underpants during our first date?”
Arnfried also in German: “It is not my fault. The strong Munich pilsener has rendered me beercontinent.”
Geoff’s beercontinence was the stuff of legend, particularly among the staff at the Travelodge who remain in therapy to this day.
Brunhild in German: “Arnfried, did you literally just cack your underpants during our first date?”
Arnfried also in German: “It is not my fault. The strong Munich pilsener has rendered me beercontinent.”
by Lancaster's Second Finest January 20, 2023
Get the Beercontinence mug.Noun: an individual who persistently presents situations as vastly worse than they actually are, to a degree that is almost indistinguishable from satire. Serial catastroboothers are seldom seen in the workplace, because they are just soooooo ill aaaaallll the tiiiime.
Doctor: Can you please rate the pain out of ten?
Catastroboother: Three hundred and seventy two.
Doctor: Seriously, though?
Catastroboother: I am being serious.
Doctor: Please go home.
Helga’s tendency to catastrobooth her workload at the sausage emporium led her to report 170 hours of labour per week. The log book showed she was actually in for a weekly average of 92 minutes.
Catastroboother: Three hundred and seventy two.
Doctor: Seriously, though?
Catastroboother: I am being serious.
Doctor: Please go home.
Helga’s tendency to catastrobooth her workload at the sausage emporium led her to report 170 hours of labour per week. The log book showed she was actually in for a weekly average of 92 minutes.
by Lancaster's Second Finest January 19, 2020
Get the Catastroboother mug.When I woke up today, the heating was nearly half a degree out of whack, so I obviously had to some Shelleying. I told my boss I had hypothermia and was in the spa by 9.30.
A sustained campaign of Shelleying had enabled Simon to write his first novel, a six hundred page meditation on one man’s struggle with devastating haemorrhoids.
Person 1: “Man, I’ve not been in to work on a Friday for 15 years. I tell them I’m working from home, but I’ve totally cracked out the gin by mid-morning.”
Person 2: “Dude, that is some epic Shelleying.”
A sustained campaign of Shelleying had enabled Simon to write his first novel, a six hundred page meditation on one man’s struggle with devastating haemorrhoids.
Person 1: “Man, I’ve not been in to work on a Friday for 15 years. I tell them I’m working from home, but I’ve totally cracked out the gin by mid-morning.”
Person 2: “Dude, that is some epic Shelleying.”
by Lancaster's Second Finest March 15, 2019
Get the Shelleying mug.Like hypochondria, but much, much worse. The true lisachondriac not only believes they have every exotic disease on the planet, but feels compelled to share this information with even the most casual of bystanders.
Lisachondriac: “I have a headache and I feel a bit warm. I’ve checked on Google and I blatantly have Dengue fever. I’m done for.”
Person: “Er, I don’t know who you are, though I have good reason to suspect you are one of those Lisachondriacs.”
Lisachondria affects one in four million people in civil society. Sufferers are typically spotted being escorted out of medical facilities by angry-looking staff.
Person: “Er, I don’t know who you are, though I have good reason to suspect you are one of those Lisachondriacs.”
Lisachondria affects one in four million people in civil society. Sufferers are typically spotted being escorted out of medical facilities by angry-looking staff.
by Lancaster's Second Finest March 15, 2019
Get the Lisachondria mug.Having discovered Siagra, Simon was finally able to put away the lollipop stick and elastic band.
Simon: "Oh, it's not happening...I'm sorry love, it must be the drink."
Woman: "Have you considered taking Siagra?"
Simon: "Oh, it's not happening...I'm sorry love, it must be the drink."
Woman: "Have you considered taking Siagra?"
by Lancaster's Second Finest August 21, 2017
Get the Siagra mug.