Joe Smiff's definitions

Colonic death grip

The masterful kung-fu act of suppressing a giant mud rock into a deep slumber using only a well-disciplined sphyncter.

Had a prawn and boiled egg vindaloo last night and its playing up with my guts, luckily I managed to summon a colonic death grip to avoid shitting myself in Asda.

by Joe Smiff September 6, 2022

Cock gleam

The glisten on a penis caused by vaginal fluid.

As Sir Hemingworth neared the peak of his pleasure, he withdrew at the last moment, his desire surging like a tide against the shore. In the golden morning light of the Quantocks, his glistening length stood proud, a sword of passion poised above Lady Buchanon’s heaving bosom. The slick cock gleam upon him caught the sun’s glow, like Excalibur itself, majestic, potent, and honking like a fish mongers cuff

by Joe Smiff February 16, 2025

Fadunkadunk

When a person is on the receiving end of large tits slamming hard and true on their skull during intercourse, with the comical delivery of a Fred Quimby Tom and Jerry skit.

I woke up in hospital after pulling a nine pinter at the dancing, the last thing i remember was that she was on top and the last thing i heard was fadunkadunk

by Joe Smiff January 27, 2024

Neandergammon

pro-Brexit politicians who continue to believe Brexit is still a good thing for the United Kingdom and will argue against any sort of scrutiny based on facts and reality until pink in the face like an inbred pig.

See the news at 10 last night? There was this fucking Neandergammon prick on the telly making all sorts of wild claims about how its past March 29th and we are still in the EU. Maybe he's one of these tax fiddler cunts and wants out at any cost before the EU come chapping his door about his offshore bank account.

by Joe Smiff April 10, 2019

In up to the apricots

When the full length of a penis is inserted into a desired hole.

I was in up to the apricots last night, Mindy let out a huge fart after, we both laughed then I went and made the dinner.

by Joe Smiff October 20, 2023

The sweaty gusset

The Kent lorry park that is supposed to reduce the bottleneck of exported goods entering the EU.

As I opened the bay windows of my kent townhouse, I was welcomed by my morning ritual of diesel and wafts of stale piss and belching from the concrete abomination that is "the sweaty gusset" lorry park.

by Joe Smiff November 12, 2020

Cringicism

(Noun) The act of posting staged, attention-hungry content online in a desperate attempt for validation, usually ends in secondhand embarrassment.

When the brand deals dry up and she starts posting ‘sleeping prank’ videos fully glammed in makeup whilst pretending to be fast asleep, that’s pure cringicism.

by Joe Smiff June 10, 2025