Definitions by Jack Atrophy

teach impediment 

The disorder that afflicts public school teachers who are hopelessly incompetent at their job. Also known as pedagogical paralysis.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Hughes has a teach impediment. You will not be learning any algebra in her class this year.

teach impediment by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

late crime 

When you are so egregiously late for an appointment or event that it is considered criminal.

Patient: Hello, I'm Jack. I'm here for my teeth cleaning appointment.

Dental Receptionist: Your appointment was at 8:00 AM. It is now 4:56 PM. You have committed a late crime. I'm calling the police.

late crime by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

litter thug 

A punk ass bitch who keeps throwing shit in my yard.

Listen, I saw you do it last week. I let it go. Then I saw you do it again yesterday. STOP THROWING YOUR FUCKING MCDONALD'S WRAPPERS IN MY YARD!!! You are being a litter thug.

litter thug by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

problemaddict 

An individual who hunts eagerly for things to be offended by. Such individuals are often very 'woke' and insufferable. They consider most behavior to be 'problematic' and worthy of harsh censure.

These people are ill and require treatment.

We must help these people.

"Have you heard? Zephyr is in rehab..."

"What for?"

"They were a closet problemaddict who couldn't stop moralizing about petty things on Twitter."

"Good for them."

problemaddict by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

red rimmer 

When you wipe to the point of bleeding.

Dude! Can you buy a new brand of toilet paper!? I'm giving myself a red rimmer every other shit.

red rimmer by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

steamfunk 

A genre of stench in which the aroma of a freshly baked poo combines with the steam from a hot shower.

Mmm... yummy yummy for my tummy. Do you smell the steamfunk from that delectable shit I just took?

steamfunk by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022

subturdfuge 

When you try to hide the fact that you are taking a shit by turning on the shower water.

We heard your toilet farts echoing in there. Turning on the shower water didn't hide a thing. Don't believe for one moment that your little act of subturdfuge was successful.

subturdfuge by Jack Atrophy August 9, 2022