No more expensive teeth whitening treatments since we discovered the tooth nut. Come on babe, show us your pearly whites!
by El Conquistador May 15, 2019
When your GF accidentally grabs a tube of Ben Gay instead of massage oil while giving a hand job, thus causing your purple dick helmet to burn intensely.
by El conquistador January 17, 2014
by El Conquistador July 03, 2017
Having worked underground for many years, Chad was keenly aware of the need for sun light to live a healthy life. Chad tried spending more time outdoors and even shaved his head in an attempt to absorb more rays. Turns out the solution was right behind him the whole time. He decided to lay down in his front yard, completely naked, pull his knees back to his ears and aim his shit socket directly at the sun. Chad’s bung pulled in rays like a satellite dish. After only 30 seconds he had more energy than a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck. Chad’s discovery, the “solar rim job” if you will, could just be the free energy solution the world has been waiting for.
by El Conquistador July 02, 2023
Performing a violent hand job on the gentleman to your left and the gentleman to your right, at the same time, flapping your arms like an Angry Pterodactyl taking off from a rocky ledge.
Angry Pterodactyl; a nursery rhyme.
Hickory dickory dock
Fast Pat has two handfuls of cock
The clock struck two
Cody and Riggs shot their goo
Then dropped Pat at the end of the block
Hickory dickory dock
Fast Pat has two handfuls of cock
The clock struck two
Cody and Riggs shot their goo
Then dropped Pat at the end of the block
by El Conquistador May 04, 2021
The act of performing a violent hand job on the gentleman to your left and the gentleman to your right, simultaneously, while flapping your arms like a prehistoric bird taking off from a rocky cliff.
Angry Pterodactyl; a nursery rhyme.
Hickory dickory dock
Fast Pat has two handfuls of cock
The clock struck two
Cody and Riggs shot their goo
Then dropped Pat at the end of the block
Hickory dickory dock
Fast Pat has two handfuls of cock
The clock struck two
Cody and Riggs shot their goo
Then dropped Pat at the end of the block
by El Conquistador May 05, 2021
The act of jerking an uncircumcised cock to completion, but holding the load in the foreskin by pinching it shut. Then blowing up the foreskin like a balloon. When quickly released, the resulting explosion delivers the mother of all facials.
Justin and his boyfriend were having a wonderful evening of watching Ryan Gosling movies and licking popcorn butter off each other’s nipples, when things started to get a little frisky. They started with the usual dick slapping, then moved on to a rousing game of “will it fit”. ( Spoiler alert, it always does). Justin finally had an idea to try something new he had heard about in his gay pride chat group. After some cajoling, his boyfriend was definitely down to clown.
Thirty-four minutes later, Justin awoke in the back of the white county ambulance, ears ringing, eyes stuck shut like a new born kitten. Justin asks, “wha-what happened?” A wise grey bearded paramedic reaches to put a hand his shoulder but then recoils, because…yuck. He informs Justin, “Son, you took a Norris City Hand Grenade straight to the face. You’re lucky to be alive.”
Justin is making progress managing his PTSD (post traumatic sperm disorder). But still to this day, while watching gay porn, if he sees an uncircumcised dick, he curls up in his fetal position ands yells “ incoming!”
Thirty-four minutes later, Justin awoke in the back of the white county ambulance, ears ringing, eyes stuck shut like a new born kitten. Justin asks, “wha-what happened?” A wise grey bearded paramedic reaches to put a hand his shoulder but then recoils, because…yuck. He informs Justin, “Son, you took a Norris City Hand Grenade straight to the face. You’re lucky to be alive.”
Justin is making progress managing his PTSD (post traumatic sperm disorder). But still to this day, while watching gay porn, if he sees an uncircumcised dick, he curls up in his fetal position ands yells “ incoming!”
by El Conquistador January 11, 2025