El Conquistador 's definitions

solar rim job

Exposing your bare ass hole to direct sun light to extract energy for body and soul.

Having worked underground for many years, Chad was keenly aware of the need for sun light to live a healthy life. Chad tried spending more time outdoors and even shaved his head in an attempt to absorb more rays. Turns out the solution was right behind him the whole time. He decided to lay down in his front yard, completely naked, pull his knees back to his ears and aim his shit socket directly at the sun. Chad’s bung pulled in rays like a satellite dish. After only 30 seconds he had more energy than a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck. Chad’s discovery, the “solar rim job” if you will, could just be the free energy solution the world has been waiting for.

by El Conquistador July 2, 2023

Man on the Moon

When having sex with a chick and you are doing her from behind, right before you "finish", you take a flag with your name on it and stick it into her ass hole and as you finish you yell out "I'm the man on the moon!".

Guy1: "Last night I conquered new territory, I took that fine ass home and planted my flag!"
Guy2: "Dayam man! You pulled a man on the moon on her ass!"

by El Conquistador November 8, 2004

fire helmet

When your GF accidentally grabs a tube of Ben Gay instead of massage oil while giving a hand job, thus causing your purple dick helmet to burn intensely.

Stupid bitch gave me a fire helmet last night. She needs to learn how to read.

by El conquistador January 17, 2014

West Virginia flap jack

Slapping the foreskin of your flaccid penis against your boyfriend's lips.

The West Virginia flap jack Brian got was just an appetizer for the gay feast that followed.

by El Conquistador July 15, 2017

Turkish pianist

A person who enjoys fingering butt holes.

That Turkish pianist can play a poop chute like a fine instrument.

by El Conquistador June 30, 2017

Angry Triceratops

Performing a violent hand job on the gentleman to your left and the gentleman to your right, all while throating a third gentleman in the middle. Basically a modified Angry Pterodactyl with a hands free tonsil punch.

A poem dedicated to our friend Fast Pat, because we know he can take a joke.

Reach to your left and grab Cody by the root.
Wrap your fingers around like you wanna play a flute.
Riggs is here now and he wants to play too.
Two at a time ain’t no challenge for you.
Hold up, you’re not done working.
There’s more to an Angry Triceratops than just a bunch of jerking.
Doty is on deck and he’s full to the rim.
He hasn’t had booger since booger had him.
So plant two lips and work down to the scrotum.
You’ve been dreaming of this ever since you know’d him.
Now get to beating, like those dicks owe you money.
Beat ‘em so angry, they start cummin’ runny.
Don’t forget the middle man, he’s not there for the show.
It’s all about suction, they just call it a blow.
Breathe through your nose and don’t stop till it pops.
Show us why you’re the best, Angry Triceratops.

by El Conquistador July 28, 2023

uber shit

When you wait so long for your Uber that you shit your pants. There are two kinds of Uber shitters...those that will still get in the car with their shitty pants and that those that refuse to get in, out of respect for the upholstery.

After a big meal and several draft beers, Ryan and his crew needed an Uber to take them to the club. Their driver, Omar, was still 10 minutes away when Ryan started having terrible shit pains. Rather than risk missing the ride and disappointing his crew, he decided to hold it in till they got to the club....bad decision. With Omar but minutes away, Ryan dropped an Uber shit straight through his underwear and into his pants. The Uber pulled up to the curb and now it was crunch time. Ryan refused to get in the car, it was a matter principle. His crew jumped in and swore they would never tell anybody about the incident. Ryan stood alone on the sidewalk and called his mom to bring him pants and underwear.

by El Conquistador January 29, 2019