Colonel Barnaby's definitions

Coprolite

An archaeological term used to describe a fossilised piece of waste emitted from the rectum of an animal or human.

‘You are nothing more than a human coprolite, you worthless piece of dung!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 19, 2023

Frottaging

A type of perverted sexual solace performed by men against completely innocent members of the public, often in full view of their compatriots. It is normally associated with inverted men, but can also be performed by normal males against females. An inverted or normal man will select his frottaging ‘victim’ in, say, a crowded train, and approach them in as innocent a manner as possible. They will then rub their genital area or loins against them in an act of simulated sex before making off as quickly as possible. Most disgusting. Young ladies have also been victims to this disgraceful practice, and I urge you all to be very wary of young men who approach you in public areas!

‘Fred was bending over in the shop, tying his shoelaces, when a bloke came up behind him and started frottaging him, thrusting his loins against Fred’s bum. Fred turned around and the bloke made off like lightening.’

by Colonel Barnaby January 20, 2023

Joe-bags

A term very commonly used in the 1940s and 50s by juveniles to describe a French letter or condom. It has been claimed that the term derives from the time when millions of ‘GI-Joes’ (American soldiers) were issued with French letters as part of their equipment. As a result, Europe was flooded with Joe-bags.

‘I bought a packet of Joe-bags from the barbers this morning. I need them because I’m going to shag Doris tonight!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 18, 2023

Milk pods

A juvenile English colloquialism of yesteryear, once used by schoolboys, to describe the breasts of a lady.

‘Cor, blimey, look at the curvy new French teacher - I wouldn’t mind turning on the taps on her milk pods!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 17, 2023

Bum bandit

This term refers to an inverted male who seeks sexual pleasure by committing his loins to the rectum of another male. This term has sinister connotations and suggests that the inverted male has violent or unwanted intentions. It was a widely used terminology in the 1950s and 60s, but is still encountered today, particularly among the lower classes.

‘Be careful when you’re with Tarquin; when he’s had a few drinks he turns into a right bum bandit!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 21, 2023

Winkle

This is a reference - used by mothers- to refer to the common periwinkle (a type of shellfish, resembling a small snail, and commonly found on shores in the northern hemisphere) and how much the contents of the shell resemble a little boys penis.

‘Kevin, don’t forget to give your winkle a good shake after you’ve had a wee-wee!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 18, 2023

Hand-shandy

A sexual act carried out by all classes of society amongst males of solitary habits upon their own loins, or by a female upon the loins of a male. It involves the manual manipulation of the male organ in order to achieve sexual solace. This practise is very common. It is believed that the term refers to the white froth found floating on a glass of shandy (an alcoholic fizzy drink comprised of beer and lemonaide) and the similarities between this foam and the effluxion of sexual fluid that occurs during the moment of male solace.

‘Bert couldn’t wait to get in the back seat with Edna. She asked him if he wanted a hand-shandy!’

by Colonel Barnaby February 15, 2023