Carl J. Maltese's definitions

taser

Although the word "taser" is not an acronym, one particular model is labeled as: TActical System of Electrical Response.
Sort of completes the pantheon of great acronyms. Or somthing like that.

Scenario 1-
Police Officer: "Halt eveil-doer, lest I be forced to use my TActical System of Elictrical Rosponse upon ye!"

Criminal: "Huh?"

Scenario 2:

Police officer: "Freeze scumbag!!" -sound of taser firing-

Criminal: "AAAaaagghhhh!"

by Carl J. Maltese March 29, 2007

pat robertson

The televangelist who, on national telvision, will peel-off his human mask and reveal to the world that he is the Antichrist!

"How do I know Pat Robertson is the Antichrist?
Jerry Falwell told me so!"

by Carl J. Maltese June 10, 2007

dictionary

>...:"What do you think you are looking at right now! What are you, some kind of smart-ass? Now log-off, get back to work and quit fooling around!!":...<

"In one of Mr. Webster's early editions of his dictionary, he defined "freedom" as: '...deviation from the norm!'"

by Carl J. Maltese April 30, 2007

jerry falwell

See Also: The Good Year Blimp with a southern accent; Vague on eight of the Ten Commandments; Oliver North's bend-over buddy; Proud owner of several Swiss bank accounts; Jerry the Blob; Xenophobe; Persecutor; Book burning money worshiper; First against the wall when the revolution comes.

"It's time for the Old Time Persecution Hour with Jerry Falwell!"

by Carl J. Maltese May 21, 2007

USSA

United Secure States of America (From a sci-fi paperback series of the same name, C.1987-1989)

"Ever since The Generals and Evangelists took over, life has been so much easier here in the USSA!"

by Carl J. Maltese March 31, 2007

Creationism

Creationism explained:
God + Adam + Eve -times- Cane -minus- Abel + Seth -divided by- Lilith -times- Eve's sister-in-law -divided by- dinosaurs -times- 42 -times- E=mc2 -divided by- Infinity + H2O -times- Monosodiumglutinate -minus- The Monolith + hot air + the sound of a honking horn + The Secret Ingredient -minus- your opposable thumb = ALL THAT IS AND EVER SHALL BE! AMEN!

I hope that clears things up for you.

According to the Religious Right, "evolution" was just Darwin trying to explain his wife to his friends and the idea caught on! "Creationism" is, of course, the ONE TRUE and ONLY explanation for human existance. Anybody who says otherwise should have their opposable thumbs chopped off!

by Carl J. Maltese October 17, 2007

lawn darts

An out-doors game that incorporates the skill of horse-shoes with the thrill of terminal head injury.

"I was about to learn that you should never be on the receiving end in a game of 'catch the lawn darts'...."

by Carl J. Maltese November 1, 2007