Definitions by Bottom Ford, Esq

fire drill 

A method for getting no-longer-wanted company up off your couch and out the door.

“Come on, Bottom, fire drill!”
“Wait, I’m not done telling you about the cool dream I had during my nap.”
“The house is on fire, Bottom! Go, go, go!”

fire drill by Bottom Ford, Esq March 21, 2014

ass wholeness 

1. The state or trait of being an asshole.

2. Success in following one’s bliss to such a state.

We find that tattoos with violent themes indicate ass wholeness.

ass wholeness by Bottom Ford, Esq September 20, 2012

release the kitties 

Famous last words you don’t want to hear, because it means you are about to be killed by a horde of ruthless, predatory kitties. Made famous by Metalpocalypse.

When Bottom said, “Release the kitties,” I knew my death would be slow, painful, and certain.

release the kitties by Bottom Ford, Esq February 27, 2012

Byrned out 

A state of burn-out suffered by the partners of David Byrne fans who think he’s funny for a couple of years but then only tolerate him out of love.

“If Bottom plays Little Creatures one more time I am going to get Byrned out.”

Byrned out by Bottom Ford, Esq June 29, 2011

paragaffe 

The social offense of wasting people’s time by blathering on for a whole paragraph when a short sentence would suffice.

“All I wanted to know was whether Bottom is still smoking. He wrote back a whole paragaffe about why it’s none of my business and smoking is not a problem for him.”

paragaffe by Bottom Ford, Esq May 16, 2011

caesarean haircut 

1. A short hair style, with the hair combed forward (in some cases to disguise a receding hairline), effecting a resemblance to various busts or portraits of Caesar.

2. A surgical procedure that removes some of the baby’s hair during birth.

“Look! A caesarean haircut!”
“I did it myself with barber clippers.”

“That newborn looks unreasonably stylish.”
“He got a caesarean haircut.”

caesarean haircut by Bottom Ford, Esq December 29, 2010

potty animal 

Someone for whom partying must include numerous, almost rhythmic bathroom breaks.

“You going to the can again, Bottom?”
“Don’t you know I’m a potty animal?”

potty animal by Bottom Ford, Esq December 27, 2010