Alvit's definitions
Here are some examples from Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y
press 0 0 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.
And...if you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y
press 0 0 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.
And...if you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
by alvit July 6, 2009
Get the Psychiatrymug. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetheart says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Darling, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy girl takes your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going topless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along with her.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... you are told to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the car park.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy girl takes your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going topless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along with her.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... you are told to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the car park.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
What a drag it is getting old!
by alvit July 7, 2009
Get the Oldmug. I have lived in Nevada for many years and have found it to be a wonderful place to live and raise a family. The state is filled with beautiful landscapes that encompass the splendor of Lake Tahoe’s snow covered mountains and the quiet beauty of the Mojave Desert.
Nevada is filled with hard-working people from all walks of life and backgrounds. Its rich history and western spirit make Nevada a unique and magnificent place to live.
Nevada is filled with hard-working people from all walks of life and backgrounds. Its rich history and western spirit make Nevada a unique and magnificent place to live.
by alvit June 26, 2009
Get the Nevadamug. WELL, HERE ARE 50 FUN THINGS FOR NON-CHRISTIANS TO DO IN CHURCH
1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class
and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the
scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish
Homosexuals".
3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4. Un-tune the piano.
5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this
seat SAVED?"
8. Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at
Grateful Dead concerts.
9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows,
hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would
you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11. Start a wave.
12. Do cool things with the lighting.
13. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G.
Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh,
Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16. Make up your own words to the songs.
17. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand
up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out
quickly.
18. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF
YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL
IT!!!"
20. Dress all in black, or in camo.
21. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire.
Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two.
Change sets for the evening service.
22. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and
matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress
instead.
23. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes.
Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your
shoes and socks.
25. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the
first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26. Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far
Side cartoons.
28. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17).
Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the
page.
29. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone
asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They
ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32. Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor.
Discreetly light them.
33. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being
stoned, especially Stephen.
34. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate
on how good it is.
35. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece
of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of
me," and lick them.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38. Blow bubbles.
39. Fake a possession.
40. Distribute condoms.
41. Speak in tongues.
42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43. Drool in the collection plate.
44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians.
After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of
Peleponnesians.
45. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish
jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came
from Poland, act embarrassed.
46. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word
"Ministry".
47. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of
a wristwatch embedded inside.
48. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new
ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery.
Send the bill to the pastor.
49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon
you!!!"
50. Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address
of the church next Saturday at midnight.
1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class
and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the
scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish
Homosexuals".
3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4. Un-tune the piano.
5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this
seat SAVED?"
8. Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at
Grateful Dead concerts.
9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows,
hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would
you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11. Start a wave.
12. Do cool things with the lighting.
13. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G.
Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh,
Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16. Make up your own words to the songs.
17. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand
up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out
quickly.
18. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF
YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL
IT!!!"
20. Dress all in black, or in camo.
21. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire.
Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two.
Change sets for the evening service.
22. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and
matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress
instead.
23. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes.
Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your
shoes and socks.
25. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the
first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26. Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far
Side cartoons.
28. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17).
Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the
page.
29. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone
asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They
ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32. Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor.
Discreetly light them.
33. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being
stoned, especially Stephen.
34. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate
on how good it is.
35. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece
of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of
me," and lick them.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38. Blow bubbles.
39. Fake a possession.
40. Distribute condoms.
41. Speak in tongues.
42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43. Drool in the collection plate.
44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians.
After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of
Peleponnesians.
45. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish
jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came
from Poland, act embarrassed.
46. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word
"Ministry".
47. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of
a wristwatch embedded inside.
48. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new
ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery.
Send the bill to the pastor.
49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon
you!!!"
50. Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address
of the church next Saturday at midnight.
- If you behave like a good Christian you will go to Heaven when you die.
- Well, I've been a slut all my life and I feel like Heaven every night.
- Well, I've been a slut all my life and I feel like Heaven every night.
by alvit May 26, 2009
Get the Christianmug. Here are some good examples of miscellaneous quickies:
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
by alvit May 22, 2009
Get the quickiemug. Here are some ways of calling someone 'stupid':
A Few Clowns Short of a Circus
A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal
An Experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A Few Beers Short of a Six-Pack
Dumber Than a Box of Hair
A Few Peas Short of a Casserole
Doesn't Have All Her Cornflakes in One Box
The Wheel's Spinning, But the Hamsters Dead
One Fruit Loop Shy of a Full Bowl
One Taco Short of a Combination Plate
A Few Feathers Short of a Whole Duck
All Foam, No Beer
The Cheese Slid Off Her Cracker
Body by Fisher, Brains by Mattel
Couldn't Pour Water Out of a Boot With Instructions on the Heel
He Fell Out of the Stupid Tree and Hit Every Branch on the Way Down
An Intellect Rivaled Only by Garden Tools
As Smart as Bait
Chimney's Clogged
Doesn't Have All His Dogs on One Leash
Doesn't Know Much but Leads the League in Nostril Hair
Elevator Doesn't Go All the Way to the Top Floor
Forgot to Pay Her Brain Bill
Her Sewing Machine's Out of Thread
His Antenna Doesn't Pick Up All the Channels
His Belt Doesn't Go Through All the Loops
If She Had Another Brain, It Would be Lonely
Missing a Few Buttons on His Remote Control
No Grain in the Silo
Proof That Evolution Can Go in Reverse
Receiver is off the Hook
Several Nuts Short of a Full Pouch
Skylight Leaks a Little
Slinky's Kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too Much Yardage Between the Goal Posts
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer
The Lights are on, but Nobody's Home
24 Cents Short of a Quarter
A Few Clowns Short of a Circus
A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal
An Experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A Few Beers Short of a Six-Pack
Dumber Than a Box of Hair
A Few Peas Short of a Casserole
Doesn't Have All Her Cornflakes in One Box
The Wheel's Spinning, But the Hamsters Dead
One Fruit Loop Shy of a Full Bowl
One Taco Short of a Combination Plate
A Few Feathers Short of a Whole Duck
All Foam, No Beer
The Cheese Slid Off Her Cracker
Body by Fisher, Brains by Mattel
Couldn't Pour Water Out of a Boot With Instructions on the Heel
He Fell Out of the Stupid Tree and Hit Every Branch on the Way Down
An Intellect Rivaled Only by Garden Tools
As Smart as Bait
Chimney's Clogged
Doesn't Have All His Dogs on One Leash
Doesn't Know Much but Leads the League in Nostril Hair
Elevator Doesn't Go All the Way to the Top Floor
Forgot to Pay Her Brain Bill
Her Sewing Machine's Out of Thread
His Antenna Doesn't Pick Up All the Channels
His Belt Doesn't Go Through All the Loops
If She Had Another Brain, It Would be Lonely
Missing a Few Buttons on His Remote Control
No Grain in the Silo
Proof That Evolution Can Go in Reverse
Receiver is off the Hook
Several Nuts Short of a Full Pouch
Skylight Leaks a Little
Slinky's Kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too Much Yardage Between the Goal Posts
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer
The Lights are on, but Nobody's Home
24 Cents Short of a Quarter
by alvit October 27, 2009
Get the stupidmug. A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
- Why does it cost so little to call Satan on the phone in the US?
- Because it's just a local call.
- Because it's just a local call.
by alvit May 17, 2009
Get the Satanmug.