Al Benedict's definitions

Shrubbery

An unreasonable request added to a task by someone who wishes you to fail. From the Monty Python "Knights who say Ni" sketch.

Bob: "In order to convince me that global warming is real, you will have to show that all temperatures everywhere on the globe are setting records at all times."

Bill: "Uh huh. Would you like a Shrubbery as well?"

by Al Benedict June 28, 2013

Valentine's Day Tree

A tree one displays in one's living room in the middle of February. Generally, very similar to a Christmas tree, but much drier. Ideally decorated with small scraps of tinsel, but having a complete set of Christmas ornaments is acceptable. An alternate method of display is to lay it on its side in the front yard.

The proper method of celebrating a Valentine's Day Tree is to stay at least 3 feet away from it and not make eye contact.

A 4th of July tree is very similar, only with brown needles instead of green.

"Welcome to my place. Uh, please ignore the Valentine's Day Tree. It won't mind"

by Al Benedict February 5, 2008

Yuppie Porn

Television shows or glossy magazines featuring real estate, automobiles, gadgets, boats or furniture of the type preferred by the stereotypical yuppie, even if they are not written or shot with the intention of selling the actual products. A derogatory spin on the stereotype that yuppies receive the same stimulation from material objects that non-yuppies do from sex. Yuppie porno or yuppie pornography can be used.

"Yuppie porn at the New York Times": Title of an article on salon.com about the New York Times' new real estate quarterly.

by Al Benedict November 12, 2006

Oneing the two

Attempting to remove stuck poop from a toilet with a well aimed high pressure stream of pee.

Are you Oneing the two in there?

Well, it's not like I have choice. You threw out the brush.

It was gross

by Al Benedict October 7, 2010

Spamburst

When your email address is chosen as the lucky winner in the contest held by a spammer to determine which email address will be used for the day's, ahem, First Amendment protected free commercial speech. The end results is hundreds if not thousands of bounced messages.

I probably got your message. It just got caught in a spamburst yesterday.

by Al Benedict October 1, 2008

Security by Banality

A computer system made secure by obviously containing nothing of interest. Never a protection against pranksters, in the age of Zombie Spammers, this concept is mostly obsolete.

I protected Mom's computer by installing Windows 98 on it and putting up a thick firewall of bundt cake recipes. True Security by Banality.

by Al Benedict April 9, 2008

tauntbary

A music library (iTunes or otherwise) that's visible to your roommates or coworkers, but due to firewalls or DRM restrictions, contains nothing that can be played.

Bob: Bill just shared his iTunes library. Let's take a look.

Bob: Dammit. Another tauntbary.

by Al Benedict December 20, 2012