There goes Madison again, reading her stupid horoscope for the day.

This Jazz Cabbage got me zooted. Jazz Cabbage is less harmful than Squares. I’m smoking that Jazz Cabbage boy.

What you might find in your horoscope:

"You are somewhat tall"

"You will meet someone today and they will seem nice"

What you will not find in your horoscope:

"Today you will find out you are adopted, if not today then it is only a matter of time. Seriously, you look nothing like your so-called "parents." You will also lose your job, and an unspecified limb."

"Men in masks will break in to your home and force you to play trivial pursuit, the fact that they seem to get all the easy questions will irk you. Make ready, you will soon be called upon to defend the entire species from certain destruction."

My Facebook friends spam my news feed with horoscopes and I just want to punch them in the face

This website is filled with tons of fucking advertisements that claim to give you a horoscope.

Person #1: What's your zodiac sign?
Person #2: Aquarius.
Person #1: What's your horoscope for today?
Person #2: *checks horoscope* Uh- it says I'll "get even with a rival before things got worse".

"A horoscope, what's that a telescope that can only see your face..."