I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...
opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Because of dropping Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...
opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Because of dropping Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
by dolphin March 8, 2005
A comedian who happened to be the funniest person ever to walk the earth. Died earlier this year...and the world has been unfunny ever since. He was about to to a special on HBO that would have been fuckin' awesome...but now...it will never happen. Go figure...everyone who ever does something good for the world dies before they hit 30.
by Sgt. Pepper May 11, 2005
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny
by Mitch April 1, 2005
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right."--Mitch Hedberg
by nirvana563 May 7, 2005
A comedian with the most off beat, hilarious sense of humour ever heard to man. Created a cult-like following of loyal subjects that wish they were half as funny as his dog. Tragically, Mitch departed this world in late March 2005, leaving us only with fond memories and this lesson learned:
1. Everyone worth anything is on drugs
2. Drugs kill people
3. Everyone worth anything dies
1. Everyone worth anything is on drugs
2. Drugs kill people
3. Everyone worth anything dies
"I was sitting at a bar, and no one was talking to me cuz I had just did a show *Crowd laughs*, and this guy bumped into me, and he didn't apologize, he just said, 'Move!' which I thought was rude, so I said, 'Go to hell,' and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a moustache, a goatee, earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a pony tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, 'Hey! You got a lot of nerve!' I said, 'Hey, you've got a lot of............cranium accesories!" *Everyone laughs. Mitch laughs* Ha, this a smart crowd. When I play the dumb crowds I have to say, 'You've got a lot of shit on your head!'"
by Peasento May 5, 2005
Probably one of the funniest comedians to ever stand on a stage and hold a microphone. His comedy was all over the place, had no real story line to it, but always made you laugh. Sadly though, Mitch died in 2005 of a heart complication.
Hopefully he's making funnies for God, Jesus, and all those bigshots up on the big stage in the sky. This deffinition is dedicated to you Mitch! You rock my socks!....Totally.
R.I.P. Mitch
Hopefully he's making funnies for God, Jesus, and all those bigshots up on the big stage in the sky. This deffinition is dedicated to you Mitch! You rock my socks!....Totally.
R.I.P. Mitch
Some infamous quotes from Mitch Hedberg::
"Some hotels don't have 13th floors because of supersticion...But people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. Jump out the window of the 13th floor and you will die earlier."
"Rice is great if you want 2000 of something."
"It dosn't matter whether you're black, white, green, or purple...oh wait - green or purple? I think we have to draw the line somewhere. So the hell with purple people...Unless they're choking...then help 'em!"
"Some hotels don't have 13th floors because of supersticion...But people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. Jump out the window of the 13th floor and you will die earlier."
"Rice is great if you want 2000 of something."
"It dosn't matter whether you're black, white, green, or purple...oh wait - green or purple? I think we have to draw the line somewhere. So the hell with purple people...Unless they're choking...then help 'em!"
by Rose-Colored-Glasses August 15, 2006
an american comedian known for his one-line non sequiturs. he was hilarious and may he rest in peace
I slept at my friends house, and he said "you have to sleep on the floor" i said "Damn gravity...got me again! You don't know how badly i wanted to sleep on the wall!"_ Mitch Hedberg
and
I have a king sized bed. Now i don't know any kings, but I'm sure that if one slept over, he would be comfortable... "Hey I'm a king!" "well you'll never guess what I have in store for you, exactly to your specifications"-Mitch Hedberg
and
You know how people say "i don't care if they're black, white, purple or green!"? ..oh now hold on a minute, you gotta draw the line somewhere...to hell with purple people! unless they're suffocating...theenn help em!-Mitch Hedberg
and
I have a king sized bed. Now i don't know any kings, but I'm sure that if one slept over, he would be comfortable... "Hey I'm a king!" "well you'll never guess what I have in store for you, exactly to your specifications"-Mitch Hedberg
and
You know how people say "i don't care if they're black, white, purple or green!"? ..oh now hold on a minute, you gotta draw the line somewhere...to hell with purple people! unless they're suffocating...theenn help em!-Mitch Hedberg
by teeeaaa May 3, 2006