boneitis

A horrible disease that afflicts the human skeleton. This disease comes in three distinct forms. Type "A", being the second most-common variant affects the order in which the symptoms present themselves. Type "A" is known as the "top-down" variant, meaning that it starts at the head and works its way down to the feet. Type "B", being the third most common, is known as "bottom-up", meaning that it starts at the feet and works its way up to the top of the skull. Type "C", being the most common, is known as the "OH JESUS" form as this variant displays the symptoms of boneitis all at once. Boneitis itself is a disease of the human skeleton that causes individual bones to explode. Each bone has a distinct eruption:
-Femurs tend to explode through the front of the thigh.
-Tibias tend the explode out of the sides.
-The tricep/bicep area and the shoulder erupt at a perpendicular to the center of the body at a frontal orientation.
-The digits, both hand and feet, erupt in a fashion known as the "firecracker" effect.
-The ribcage breaks apart at the sternum, swinging open, and exposing the internal organs.
-The individual ribs themselves explode into small bits of bone shrapnel (CAUTION: When witnessing Boneitis, please seek shelter as shrapnel may harm you)
-The mandible splits in the center swinging out similarly to the ribcage, then the arms of the mandible likewise explode with particular ferocity.
-The skull implodes.
The only bone which remains intact is the pelvis, although in perfect condition (if those afflicted are in nominal health), bursts into flame.

Boneitis can be transmitted in the air, through water, blood, semen, vaginal fluid, rectal fluid, phlegm, hair follicles, skin, fecal matter, and through digestive fluid including salivary fluid.

He caught boneitis, and before my eyes his bones came out of him, and then their splinters chased me as his bones proceeded to explode.

by The Major & Sacha March 16, 2005

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